


Saviors

by writingtoremember



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, Bruce/Natasha - Freeform, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, Marvel - Freeform, Marvel Cinematic Universe - Freeform, Romance, Romanoger - Freeform, Slow Build, Smut, love and smut, mcu - Freeform, romanogers - Freeform, steve/natasha - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 14:52:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19428232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingtoremember/pseuds/writingtoremember
Summary: It was just a couple years after Thanos snapped his fingers, and Natasha was just trying to get by. Bruce and her had always had a complicated relationship ever since he had left as the Hulk after Sekovia, so when they tried to reconcile their relationship post-snap, things just couldn’t work.Natasha needed someone to rely on and care for her, and she knew she could always lean on good old Steve Rogers for help. He was her best friend; he was everything. Over the years after Thanos’ snap, they had been spending most days together, knowing that they needed each other to survive. Little did Nat know that Steve needed her just as much as she needed him, maybe as more than just a best friend.(Set in a semi-alternate universe a couple years after Thanos snapped his fingers in Wakanda; Pre-Endgame)





	1. Chapter 1: Drunken Beginnings

“Romanoff, you know you can tell me if you need to get out of here. I would understand,” Steve said, grabbing at my knee to keep it from bouncing rapidly against the dirty bar floor. I was about three drinks in and Steve had downed 5 beers, but of course it did nothing for him. He claimed he just liked the taste, I think he drank out of pity for me.

He held his hand there for what felt like just a bit too long and then he blushed, moving it back to his lap under the table and rubbing both palms nervously against his thighs.

His nervous energy calmed me down, as it was unusual for him to seem anything but confident.

Steve was of course trying to comfort me as we both noticed my ex-boyfriend walk into the bar. Really, I think boyfriend is a strong word, I should think it were more of an ex-hookup if anything. It had been around 2 months since Bruce Banner and I had last been with each other, and we wanted to keep things friendly considering our small Avengers family we had built. But, I think next to me, Bruce took the snap the hardest. Maybe that’s not true though, we all took it hard. It was easily the worst day of all of our lives. We lost everything.

Bruce and I tried to reconcile after the big fight in Wakanda, and for a while things seemed alright. But nothing good lasts. He left me in bed a few weeks ago, saying that he couldn’t love me the way that I wanted him to and that he needed to figure things out with the big green guy. He needed to be alone.

I understood. In all honesty, nothing had been right between us since he took off in the quinjet after Sekovia. Over the past months, I had mostly been spending time with Steve. He helped calm my nerves and I felt myself growing more comfortable around him every day.

He was keeping me happy, which is more than I can say for Bruce. With Bruce, everything was a challenge. I felt that I always had to convince him that we would work. He left and came back too many times to count over the past couple of years.

In a night of boredom, Steve decided to take me out to a bar, or a “night on the town” as he called it. I made up every excuse not to go, but he wasn’t having it. Figuring that I would always have more fun with Steve than if I were by myself, I decided to amuse him and tag along.

“No, it’s fine. Things are okay between us from where we last left it. We’re all adults here,” I stated, noticing Steve slightly puff out his chest and readjust himself to look a bit taller. I actually can’t say that I’ve been that sad over Bruce. The topic of him was so stale, and seeing him now made me noticeably nervous, but I was okay.

“Just let me know if you need anything,” He gave me a half-smile, pitiful if anything, and took another sip of his drink.

I watched as Bruce sat down at the bar, grabbing a drink with a man who was already sitting; they seemed to be friends. He looked over to me again, giving me a half-smile. I could feel the pity from around the room. I needed a break.

“I’m going to head to the bathroom real quick,” I mumbled to Steve, sliding out of the booth and making my way towards the bathroom.

Walking into the tiled bathroom, both stalls were occupied by women who were wearing heels too tall to be comfortable. I walked over to the sinks, instead, knowing I didn’t actually need to use the bathroom, and splashed some cold water on my face. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and felt the rush over my body, taking a few deep breaths and trying to forget a past lover. Rinsing a few more times, I looked up into the mirror to see an attractive brunette woman eyeing me, waiting for the sink.

“Oh, sorry about that,” I said, moving away from the singular sink and grabbing a few paper towels, drying off my face.

Even in the dim, flickering light of the bathroom, I could tell she was beautiful, but more of a sexual beautiful than anything. She wasn’t wearing much makeup, she didn’t need it. Her striking blue eyes were drawn out by her dark blue, low-cut tank top. Her curled hair flowed down past her shoulders and ended daintily at her nipples. I knew this because they were slightly hard, making small hills on her mountains of breasts. Plus, one was clearly pierced.

“Oh, no worries! You’re totally fine,” She gave me a smile that lasted a little too long, and I saw her eyes trail over my body quickly and bounce back up to mine.

I tossed out the paper towels, but before I could turn towards the door, I was stopped by her high-pitched voice, “Oh, hold on a sec,” She said, grabbing onto my shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“You have a little something on your chin,” She said, staring at my lips as she swiped her tiny finger over my chin, grazing a bit of my lip. She was definitely attractive, but I wasn’t in the mood for anything like that tonight.

“Thanks,” I said with a quick smile, trying to turn toward the door again before her voice stopped me once more.

“Um, I just wanted to ask,” She started, the confidence in her voice not as strong as it was just a few moments ago.

“Yeah?” I said, I could feel the kindness in my voice shifting to annoyance.

“Well, that guy you were sitting with, are you two together?” She twiddled her fingers together nervously.

“Nope, just a friend.” I again moved toward the door, and she took another step closer to me.

“Ugh, bummer,” She whispered, twirling a curl of hair in her hands, “I was gonna offer you two a fun time. But I guess I could ask a friend to join me and your friend...”

“Steve.”

“Yeah, Steve. Maybe my friend Lacy could hang out,” She pondered, grabbing out her phone to text said friend.

“Well, look,” I said, putting my charm back on, “I know for a fact Steve isn’t looking for anything like that right now, so maybe you can look for another guy at the bar, okay?”

There was a sense of authority in my voice that I didn’t realize until about midway through the sentence. I didn’t want to be a cockblock, but 1. Steve isn’t the hook-up kind of guy, and 2. I definitely needed him to be with me tonight. I didn’t want to have to suffer at this bar alone, and I knew that once we got back to the Avengers facility, he would stay up with me and watch a movie if I couldn’t sleep. 

So, I might be a bit selfish. But I think it’s perfectly fine from time to time.

“What a bummer. Here,” She said, grabbing a receipt and a pen out of her back pocket. She quickly scribbled what appeared to be a phone number on it, tucked the pen in her back pocket (who just carries a pen in their back pocket?) and turned back toward me.

She grabbed my hand and shoved the paper into it, pushing back a piece of my short, red hair, “In case you change your mind, give me a call.” She gave me a quick wink and headed out the bathroom door.

I waited a minute before heading back out into the bar, hoping that I wouldn’t see her again. I headed back over to the booth I was sitting in with Steve. He looked up from his drink and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back at that dork.

“I thought you disappeared on me,” He said as I sat down across from him.

“You? Never,” I said playfully, “I was just cooling off in the bathroom and a girl came up to me and very non-chalantly offered to have a three way.” I said, downing the rest of my vodka on the rocks.

Steve looked shocked. I loved shocking him like that, and I get it, he isn’t used to casual sex or open sex, or anything like that considering when he was born. But it still cracks me up.

“With who?” He asked, brows furrowed.

“Us you idiot. She even gave me her number too,” I said, tossing the receipt on the table.

I saw the red rising in his cheeks and he grabbed at the receipt in disbelief. 

“Well that’s, uh,” He let out an awkward laugh, not finishing his sentence.

I laughed at his obvious embarrassment. But my smile quickly fell when I noticed that same brunette from the bathroom, now accompanied by whom I can only assume is Lacy, talking up Bruce at the bar.

Steve looked at my face, then over to Bruce and the brunette and quickly shot back to me, grabbing at my hand.

“It’s fine, Steve. Like I said, Bruce and I are good.” I was a good liar. I knew that Bruce and I weren’t “good” we were merely fine, if that. But, like I said, I was a good liar, and I had a great friend like Steve to keep me company.

“Let me grab you another drink,” Steve said, heading to the bar.

He tried to hide himself from Bruce, but it’s not to easy to hide yourself when you look like Steve Rogers. Bruce and Steve had an awkward head nod before the brunette leaned more into Bruce, whispering in his ear, most likely proposing the same thing she did to me, to him.

I watch as she grazed her friend’s ass, pulling out her thong and twirling it in her fingers as she continued whispering to Bruce. He bought the girls a round of shots, his friend clearly left in the dust.

I noticed Steve walking back over, with a drink and four shots in his large hands.

“Okay, so I got some shots to help deal with that,” He said, setting them down on the table and sliding back into the booth.

“Steve I’m not going to take four shots are you crazy,” I said, watching him down the rest of his beer. I knew I could handle it, but still, I didn’t need to deal with that headache tomorrow.

“No, you’re taking two, and I’m taking two,” he said. I gave him a puzzled look, both of us knowing the alcohol does nothing for him.

“Why would you put yourself through that,” I asked, grabbing at two of the shots.

“Well, I wouldn’t put you through that by yourself. Plus, drinking with friends is fun. Now, cheers,” He said, raising up a shot in each hand, signaling me to do the same.

I rolled my eyes obviously, causing him to let out a large smile, clinked my two shots with his two, and slid each down. They burned so good.

We both coughed a bit before laughing some more. I could start to feel the heat rising in my cheeks and throat from the alcohol and could feel myself getting drunker.

“How was that?” Steve asked, taking a sip from the drink that he got me before sliding it back over to me.

“Well, there were definitely ups and downs,” I said, fanning my face from the heat.

When I looked away from Steve, my eyes moved back to Bruce. The brunette was now sitting next to him, rubbing his thigh and he was looking down at her breasts. Her friend was clearly an afterthought in this situation.

Again, Steve saw me looking over at Bruce and grabbed both of my hands, pulling me out of the booth.

“C’mon, we need to get you out of this miserable booth,” He lead me over to the dance floor that was only about half full, and started dancing with me.

“What are you doing,” I asked, letting him practically drag my body around like a rag doll.

“We, are going to have fun. We’re going to show Bruce what he’s been missing,” Steve smirked at me, and forced me into dancing.

Normally I would have opposed to dancing in public like this, but I felt drunk enough that I let myself go, having Steve guide me.

Plus, Steve dances traditionally, swinging me around, swaying, twirling, etc. It was actually very sweet.

We couldn’t stop laughing the entire time, until I made eye contact with Bruce again.

He looked furious, making direct eye contact with me, then turning to the brunette and making out with her, sliding his hand onto her side, grazing her breast.

Steve noticed the exchange and quickly and twirled me into his arms, “Looks like Bruce is a bit jealous of all the fun we’re having, huh.” He said with a confident smirk. 

“Look,” I said, a slight slur in my voice, turning around and grabbing his chin, “Kiss me. Just to piss him off, that’s all,” I said, making the biggest puppy-dog eyes I could muster up for how drunk I was. I realized this was a ridiculous request, and most definitely an awkward one. Steve looked shocked and confused.

“I don’t know Nat, you’re pretty drunk,” Steve blushed, spinning me out and guiding our dancing again, “I think that’s the shots speaking.”

“I know I’m kind of drunk, but please, let me have this. He’s rubbing it in my face,” I batted my eyes with a smile, and I could see the blush on Steve’s face grow a deeper shade of red as he rolled his eyes, “Just a little one, just friends.” I placed my hand over my heart and pursed out my lips.

“Fine. But you owe me a big, huge favor Romanoff,” He said in an playfully authoritative voice. I could tell he wasn’t that upset by my proposition.

“Deal,” I said as he pulled me in close, turning our dance into a sway. I turned our bodies around so that Bruce was in full view of us, and right when he looked up, Steve leaned in, pressing his soft pink lips onto mine.

Now I know that he’s just my friend, and this was just a favor, but my God. I’ve always thought Steve Rogers was an attractive man, but he was the one who always wanted to be just friends. I had always considered what it would be like if we dated, plus a lot of other far dirtier thoughts. But that was years ago, and we were friends now. He kept me sane after the loss in Wakanda, he made me feel safe. As safe as I could feel after a loss like that.

With thoughts racing through my head, I felt myself craving more of him, and pushed deeper into the kiss, letting my tongue slide slightly into his mouth. He at first seemed surprised, but after a couple seconds leaned into it as well. I gripped onto the back of his neck, and he wrapped me in closer.

After what felt like forever, although only around twenty-thirty seconds, we pulled away.

I couldn’t help but smile and Steve let out a small smile as well, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down at the ground. He then quickly looked over to Bruce who angrily smirked at us, walking out with the brunette and her friend, his palms on their asses as they walked out the main entrance. 

I couldn’t help but laugh, and once Steve heard me, he couldn’t help but laugh either.

“Thank you, and I do owe you one Stevie,” I said, using my favorite nickname for him, nudging him with my elbow. I mostly used this name because he absolutely hated it.

“You do,” He said smirking, then twirling me another time.

We only danced for around twenty more minutes before we decided to head home. Besides, the bar was dying and barely anyone was dancing. It was probably around 1 am. Steve called for a taxi, because I knew full well that he didn’t know how to use the Uber app anyways.

“You know, I had a very fun time with you, I didn’t know you could dance so well,” I said, leaning on him as we waited for the taxi. They promised to be here in ten minutes.

“To be honest with you, I didn’t know I could either. You know what, I think we should go out on the town more often Romanoff - we make a good team,” He slid my arm out from his and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I placed my arm around his waist, knowing that I needed the support in my haze of alcohol. We stood under a street light, watching as people strolled by.

“I do too, Stevie,” I giggled. I could practically hear the eye roll.

We made light conversation the rest of the time we waited until the taxi got there. I remember once I got in, I must have taken a small nap, because next thing I knew we were at the facility in upstate New York and Steve was helping me out of the taxi in my haze. It must have been at least an hour drive.

He walked me inside and I pleaded with him that he should just leave me on the couch. After a good few minutes he agreed and dropped me down on the plush cream couch in one of the various living rooms in the facility.

“Thanks, Steve,” I mumbled, feeling the gentle grasp of a drunken sleep creeping in.

“Hey, at least it wasn’t Stevie this time,” He laughed, pulling a heavy blanket over me.

“Shut up, or it will be next time” My eyes were already closed, but I had to make sure I saw that kind smile one last time before I slept. Of course, my drowsy eyes showed me his smile, the last thing I remember before falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little domestic, a little sad - I’d love to hear your thoughts!

I woke up to the smell of pancakes frying and a headache clouding my vision. I was tucked in on the couch, and I could hear the sound of the television on in the background.

I knew that Steve didn’t care too much for watching TV; he really only watched anything if I wanted to or to have some background noise.

I inhaled deeply, stretching out my arms and sat up. I instantly felt my headache twinge even harder than before and let out a long sigh. 

“Woah, hey there,” I heard from the kitchen. Steve swiftly dropped his spatula, grabbed a glass of water that was sitting on the counter next to him, and ran over to me with a bottle of Ibuprofen.

He sat down on the couch next to me, opening up the bottle and shoving two small pills into one of my hands and the glass of water in the other.

“Thanks,” I said, rubbing the front of my head before swallowing down the pills. They couldn’t work sooner.

“No problem. I figured after last night’s adventure you may need some assistance with the hangover,” He said with a smile, holding back a small laugh.

“Oh wow, aren’t you just my knight in shining armor,” I snarked back. Even though I knew Steve was a sweetheart and truly a great friend, I couldn’t let him know that I thought that (at least not all the time). Plus the banter was just too much fun.

“Well, your knight happens to have made some breakfast if you’d like some pancakes,” He said, moving back towards the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, the pancake that he had been frying was a a bit burnt on the bottom ever since Steve had been attending to me instead of it.

He mumbled what sounded like a “shoot” (because I could barely ever squeeze a proper curse word out of the man) and scooped the pancake out of the pan, heading towards the trash before I chirped out a, “Wait!”

“What?” He questioned, the pancake hovering over the trash.

“I kinda like the burnt ones,” I said, following him over to the kitchen and taking a seat at the counter.

“Of course you do,” He said almost in a condescending tone, but with more humor.

“Alright, could you hold off on the jabs for maybe 5 minutes or is that too much to ask?” I said in retaliation.

“Hmm, that’s a pretty hard task Romanoff. Asking me for even more favors,” He trailed off, grabbing a small stack of pancakes and sitting down next to me after turning off the burner.

I suddenly remembered all of last night. Not that I had blacked out or anything, but I remembered Bruce and the girl from the bathroom and the dancing, and of course, the kiss.

I felt my face go red and I buried my face in one hand for a moment, trying to conceal a smile.

“Oh my God,” I mumbled, letting out a small giggle, “Look, I’m so sorry about the kiss, I was drunk and I think that everything with Bruce and that girl had me heated and I,” I spewed out before I heard Steve return a laugh.

“Look, it’s really okay,” He assured me, sticking a piece of pancake in his mouth, “You should know though, I’ll definitely remember that you owe me one, maybe one and a half.”

“Half? Where does the half come from?” I questioned, raising a brow at this new information that Steve had apparently decided for himself.

“Well, I am of course, your knight in shining armor this morning, and I did happen to make you a disgustingly burnt pancake,” He smirked again.

“You were going to throw it out!” I returned, taking a bite of the burnt pancake that sat in front of me. I poured a little extra syrup on top too.

“Well, that’s what you think. And just to let you know, Romanoff,” He said with a goofy tone to the ‘Romanoff,’ “No amount of syrup is going to make that, thing, taste any better.”

“You know what, fine, I’ll give you a .25 of a favor. Not one and a half, but one and a quarter. And that’s my final offer,” I said matter of factly, again holding back a smile.

“Fine, you have a deal,” He said, putting out a hand for me to shake.

——————————-

Hours later and I found myself back in my bedroom, trying to take a nap but unsurprisingly unable to. I always had problems sleeping, but the snap really did a number on my ability to relax in any way.

I could feel the heat beating down on me from the sunlight that was shining through the window and looked over at the alarm clock next to my too-large bed. 3:14 PM.

I had been trying to nap for the past two hours but only found myself in a sad, depressive state. I had been crying on and off, but I made sure to not let myself fully break down or I wouldn’t be able to recover for hours.

Even though I had been happy hanging out with Steve, the happiness never lasted after he left. I, like I’m assuming everyone else, felt responsible for the snap. There was something more that I could have done, that we all could have done really.

I missed Wanda and Vision. I missed Sam. I missed Nick and Maria.

I knew that Steve missed Bucky badly, but he had always missed Bucky just like he had always missed Peggy. There was always something missing in him, just like there was in me. I think that’s part of the reason that we became such good friends, because we try to fill in each other’s missing pieces.

Knowing that I wouldn’t get anymore sleep, I wandered out of bed again and sauntered down the hall and over to Wanda’s room. I liked to sit in there when I started missing everyone. Even though she hadn’t lived there in years, Tony left her room exactly how it was.

I sat down on her bed and breathed in the fresh cotton scent of her room. Really, we weren’t even that close, but I found peace in this space. She kept framed pictures of her and Vision on the shelf attached to the wall. The love that they had was always something that I had envied, something that I thought I might be able to have with Bruce someday.

I knew that I never could.

I didn’t think that this room helped me get past this grief, but I didn’t want to get past it. It felt like a punishment to be reminded of the loss against Thanos, but I needed to be reminded. It was my fault.

I tried to sit in Wanda’s room whenever Steve was at his therapy group so that he wouldn’t pull me out of there. Only one time did he catch me sitting in Wanda’s room, and I broke down sobbing next to him. He made me promise after that that I wouldn’t go in there anymore, but I think we both knew that I didn’t plan on keeping that promise.

I suddenly heard footsteps and quickly sniffled and wiped away the small tears that were forming in my eyes before Steve pressed up against the doorway.

“I thought we had a promise,” Steve said, exhaling deeply while still leaned against the doorway.

“I thought you were supposed to be at your group until 4:00,” I mumbled in return, looking over to him. He obviously hadn’t seen my face, because when he saw mine I watched his face fall. His concern grew and he shuffled over to me, wrapping his large arm around my shoulder.

“Natasha, it’s 4:15,” He said with another long exhale.

I must have lost track of time sitting in Wanda’s room. It felt like I had only been in there for maybe twenty minutes, but time passed quicker than I had thought.

I sat in silence and leaned my head on his shoulder, a lump growing in my throat. I hated crying in front of anyone, let alone Steve. I was conditioned to have immense control over my emotions ever since I had been a child. Ever since the snap though, it seemed like my heart was telling my brain to fuck off, doing whatever it wanted.

“I have a meeting with Carol and Okoye in 45 minutes,” I stated, inhaling and standing up off the bed.

“What about Rocket and Rhodey?” Steve asked, standing up after me. He looked as defeated as I did. The group therapy seemed to help him overall, but after every session Steve was drained.

“I’m talking with them tomorrow, they were handling their own business tonight,” I answered in return. 

“I can join if you’d like,” Steve returned, following after me as I headed out of Wanda’s room and to the conference room three floors above us.

“I don’t really need you too,” I said in return. I knew that Steve didn’t have anything to do after group sessions, and he always wanted to hang out with me, “But if you want to,” I rethought.

“I do,” He said plainly.

“Then you’re welcome to join.”

———————

Carol was still managing to clean up other planets and not much new was happening over in Wakanda. It was a typical check in, but it always made me feel better after talking with everyone, like I had control over something in my life.

Everytime Steve joined in on our discussions I noticed his interest in Carol. I couldn’t yet tell if it was romantic or just his pure interest in her ability, but he clearly enjoyed talking with her.

When we finished up our meeting, I let out a deep sigh, putting my feet up on the large desk in front of me.

“Woah there, don’t get too comfortable,” Steve said with a weak smile. He always tried hard to turn a sad day into a good one.

“And why is that,” I mustered the most playful energy I could out of myself.

“Well, we need to cook some dinner and find something good to watch tonight,” He said, standing up and reaching a hand out to me. I couldn’t help but give him a small smile. I grabbed his hand and he lead me to the kitchen where we figured we could just cook a frozen pizza. Steve promised that he wouldn’t burn it this time.

I was in charge of picking a movie, grabbing snacks and soft blankets, and in Steve’s words, “Relaxing at least a little bit.”

I really, really appreciated him.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up in my bed with the sun beating down on me once more. Only this time I was actually able to sleep. I didn’t remember going to bed last night, and it was obvious how I had gotten here by the sticky note that was placed on my nightstand.

The note read: “Figured you didn’t want to spend another night on the couch, I think you owe me 1.5 now - Steve”

I let out a breathy laugh, rolling back onto my pillow. I simmered in the moment for another minute before getting up and getting myself ready for the day. I had to prep notes for my meeting with Rocket and Rhodey, make calls to a few orphanages around the city, and try to do something for Steve to get a 0.5 off of my owed favors to him.

After showering and changing into a plain black tee shirt and jeans, I headed towards the offices where my desk and paperwork were.

Ever since life became mundane again after the snap, if it ever could be, Pepper had set me up with a job at the Avengers facility. She was letting Steve and I live and work there, writing checks to us every month and giving us tasks to accomplish. Most jobs involved rebuilding the city. Even though I rarely spoke to Tony anymore, I knew that he still cared and still checked up on us through Pepper. She stopped by every few weeks or so to make sure everything was okay, or as okay as it could be with Steve and I.

Pepper and I talked about how we could help all of the children who were left without their parents after the snap. It mostly involved organizing how to allocate funds to different orphanages around the city and we were working on expanding throughout the state. Thinking about all of those children left without families brought me back to my childhood, and I knew I had a personal stake in helping clean up this city and helping these children after I had failed them in Wakanda.

Steve helped in my work, but he was always running around working on rebuilding the architecture of the city after all of the various accidents happened. The snap killed much more than half of Earth’s life. Pedestrians died as cars veered off the road. Other cars were crashing into each other as drivers dusted away. Pilots dusted and planes and helicopters fell from the sky. The snap was catistrophic and had heinous repurcussions that no one could have predicted.

So, after the damage was done and the world was left in ruins, Steve put his artistic skills to use in redesigning multiple buildings that had been damaged beyond repair in the city.

On the way to my office, I heard Steve’s voice raised and hostile.

“Look Bruce, you know you’ll always be a friend, but I don’t think this is the best time to come to the facility without warning,” He stated. Oh, God.

“Steve, I know I fucked up with her, but I just wanted to grab some equipment and get out of here. She doesn’t even have to know I came,” He said much more calmly than Steve.

I paused briefly to think about whether or not I should continue listening in on their conversation. I figured I shouldn’t spy, but before they saw me enter the room I heard Steve respond, “Look, fine, just make it quick. It’s better if she doesn’t know anyways.” He was tense, more so than I have seen him in a while.

“Too late,” I said, sauntering into the room and moving towards my desk. 

“Shit,” Steve mumbled under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck while looking at the ground.

Bruce looked surprisingly nervous, his big doey eyes looking at me.

“Wow, so that’s what it takes to pull a swear out of you,” While my words sounded playful, they came with a bite. Steve was supposed to be on my side. I know that he was only trying to keep the peace, but there was a small part of me that wanted him to kick Bruce out.

I pulled out my files to prep for Rocket and Rhodey and placed them on my desk nonchalantly. I couldn’t bring myself to look at either of them, yet I knew they were both looking at me.

“Look, Nat, about the other night,” Bruce started, walking over to the front of my desk.

“Oh, your night with nipple rings? How was she by the way?” I said without looking up from my papers, pretending to read whatever was written on the pages.

“Wait,” Bruce coiled back in confusion and shock, “How did you know she had nipple rings?”

I let out an involuntary scoff and I saw Steve shift in my peripheral view, “How did you?” I looked up from my file and caught his eyes.

Bruce’s face was blank and he looked into my eyes for a while, then letting out a sigh.

“Look, Nat, can we talk? I’m sorry about the other night, things got out of hand and I was acting like a dick, and,” He was at a loss for words.

“You were, and we’re not together anymore, Bruce, you made that decision. So we don’t have anything to talk about,” Again, I saw Steve shift around again, not sure if he should stay or go.

“Well, uh,” He looked uncomfortable, grasping for any break I would give him. When he realized there wasn’t going to be any, he let out another sigh.

“Why are you here,” I asked after another few seconds of silence. I looked ovre to Steve again and saw his tense body and furrowed brow.

“Well I’m working on something big for Hulk and I asked Tony if I could use some of his materials here. I was just trying to get in and out, I didn’t mean to mess anything up any worse.”

“Hmm,” I didn’t know what to say to him. I was interested in what he was working on, but I had the willpower to not seem interested. It was petty, but it was where we were at this point.

He cleared his throat, looking back and forth between Steve and I. There was a period of silence that was just a bit too long before I heard Bruce ask, “So are you two, uh, are you together or,” He trailed off, unable to finish his awkward sentence.

“Does it matter to you whether or not we were?” I raised a brow at him and he pursed his lips.

“Uh, yeah, well, right, I’m just gonna get my things,” He responded, giving a small wave as he exited the room. On his way out he nodded at Steve, who gave a stiff nod in return.

Steve waited to say anything until Bruce had been out of the room for at least a minute or two before saying, “Look, Nat, I’m sorry. I should have just kicked him out.”

I dug myself back into the paperwork in front of me. I was desperately trying to make it seem interesting to me even though it clearly wasn’t.

“Please,” He said, sitting down across from me while pushing the files back down onto the desk and out of my hands. He grabbed one of my hands in his and I couldn’t help but look up and at his big blue eyes.

Shit.

I felt myself soften against his effort to apologize and knew that I couldn’t be mad at a face like that.

“Look, what if I agree to take 0.25 off of what you owe me. You’ll only owe me one and a quarter,” There was a playful optimism in his voice as he caught his eyes with mine.

I couldn’t help but give in, “One, and that’s my final offer Rogers. I owe you one.”

“Deal,” He shook my hand with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the reads and support on this story so far! I really appreciate it and would love to hear from you all!


	4. Chapter 4

We were a few days from October 31st, Halloween. A holiday that neither Steve nor I particularly cared about, but we did want to continue the tradition that we had started last year. 

Steve had always been behind on the world, and I don’t blame him considering he was frozen in a block of ice for decades. Nevertheless, he was, like I said, behind. Pepper and I decided last year to host a fundraiser for a group of orphanages in Manhattan and then we gathered a large group of people to take the kids out trick-or-treating. 

Last year (shortly after having watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) Steve dressed up as Cameron. He said he chose to be Cameron instead of Ferris because not only did he feel bad for Cameron’s character (a very Steve thing to say) but he also thought that Ferris’ outfit was just a bit too crazy for him (also a very Steve thing to say). He had the oversized hockey jersey and everything. I was honestly surprised he could make something look oversized considering his broad shoulders, but he still made it look good.

I opted to go as Wednesday Adams, from the Adams Family, a show that I had shown Steve right before last Halloween. I braided 2 braids of my red roots all the way down to my blonde ends; I even had a middle part. I had really thought about dying the ends of my hair or cutting them, but I kept the blonde tips as a reminder of everything. They reminded me of all of the time I spent on the road with Sam and Steve. Weird, but comforting.

Last year after the entire event, we came back home and watched some horror movies that Steve hadn’t heard of or at least hadn’t seen. He didn’t like when I asked if he had heard of something, he told me, “Nat, I don’t live under a rock, like I said, I may be close to hitting 3 digits, but I’m not dead.”

I think he only said it to make me laugh.

This year, Pepper wanted to take over the fundraising aspect of the night while Steve and I were placed in charge of the children and making sure they all had their chaperones, costumes, and candy bags. I knew that Tony wouldn’t attend, and I knew that it would eat Steve up inside.

I moved from my office after answering some emails and headed up three floors to Steve’s studio apartment (ridiculous that the facility had fully livable apartments, but it was a very Stark move). He decided to take an apartment on the fifth floor, as many of the apartments there had windows facing due east, and Steve loved being woken up by the sun in the morning. I on the other hand took an apartment on the second floor with most windows allowing me to face the sunset at night. I was more of a night owl anyways, so it was nice to see the sunset if I was working on anything not in my office.

As I approached Steve’s apartment, I gave three small knocks before I heard a muffled, “Come in,” from Steve on the other side.

There was the smell of fresh cotton and newly washed linens floating in the air mixed with the distinct masculine musk of Steve. Everything was clean, from his spotless counters, to his drawing desk with neatly lined up pencils, to his freshly made (military style) bed. The size of the apartment was fairly large considering it was a studio, but not large enough to where I couldn’t spot Steve from around the corner where his quaint living room was placed. It was basically a regular apartment only there was just three doors: one for the bathroom, and two for closets. Very open-concept, and very Stark.

“Nat, I really don’t want to wear this,” He said, gesturing to the (updated) Freddy costume. Pepper thought it would be a fun idea if Steve and I dressed up as Freddy and Daphne from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Steve didn’t really know what they were, although, he had heard of them. He said he had seen the cartoon once or twice, but I personally didn’t believe him.

Basically, Pepper thought that because I had mostly red hair and Steve was blonde, it would be the perfect costume. Granted, she updated a lot of the costume. For Steve, instead of an ascot he had a fitted white polo shirt with an orange collar. She still managed to get him some bell bottom pants though, which was the cause of his complaining as he held them up from within his walk in closet. He must have just opened up the costume from the bag Pepper shipped to us.

“Okay, the bell bottoms are a bit much,” I said with a laugh as he sloshed around in his jeans, “But I think the shirt and shoes are nice. Why don’t you just wear some normal jeans instead?”

“Do you think that will make it better?” He asked with a slightly nervous tone.

“Steve, the costume is barely a costume at that point, so yes, I think you’ll be fine,” I laughed in return. He dug through a drawer in his closet to get a different pair of jeans and moved over to his bed where he laid them out.

“Well, okay, but where is your costume? Don’t we have to leave pretty soon?” He asked. He was the kind of person who planned way too hard for everything he did. He wanted to be everywhere early, and then he would want to leave even earlier in case there was traffic. It was truly very adorable, and very annoying at the same time.

“Yes, I’m aware of the time,” I gave him a famous ‘You’re being annoying, Steve,’ look, “I just have to brush out my hair, add on a little makeup and change. It should only take 15 minutes.”

“Well,” He said, checking his wristwatch, “Okay. But let me know if I can help with anything.”

“Okay,” I let out a small laugh before heading back to my apartment. My apartment was definitely smaller than Steve’s, but I liked the cozy and safe feeling it brought. I had gotten into the habit of calling the space my room or my apartment, using the terms interchangeably. To me, it was simply my space.

I brushed through my hair, letting it fall into a state somewhere in between curly and straight and tucked a purple head band into my hair. Pepper had gotten me a simple purple dress, without the stripes of Daphne’s dress; it was a much darker purple, more sophisticated and went down to my knees. There were some light pink heels, light pink tights, and a light green choker necklace instead of Daphne’s signature small green scarf.

It had been maybe ten minutes before I heard a knock on my door. Steve.

“Just give me like two more minutes,” I said, rushing back over to my bathroom from my closet and quickly putting on some mascara and powder.

I heard the door open and looked over to Steve who was looking down at the ground and covering his eyes lightly with his hand. “Are you dressed?”

He had changed into much better fitting, modern jeans.

“Weird that you would come in if you thought I wasn’t,” I responded in a sultry, yet teasing tone.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” He said, smiling as he dropped his hand and looked up.

“I’m just about done here,” I said, finishing up putting on a light lipstick, “Could you get the top of this?” I said, motioning to the top of my dress that I couldn’t zip up myself.

I looked over to Steve who had a slight blush on his face as he walked towards me and into the bathroom behind me. I quickly moved my hair out of the way and tried my best to hold back a smile, noticing his embarrassment over the small act.

He caught my glance in the mirror and gave an awkward smile, coughing and moving away as he finished zipping.

“What?” He asked as I turned around to look him more directly. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Nothing, it’s just cute how you get so flustered over something so little,” I said, letting out breath while moving out of the bathroom, grabbing my phone and bag. 

He let out an awkward laugh and I could tell he didn’t know what to say before muttering, “Ready to go?”

I nodded and we left my apartment, heading towards the garage. Tony had lent us each a car to use as we lived here. He gave me an Audi to use, but Steve said he wanted something a bit sturdier. He said he wasn’t much into sports cars for everyday use and preferred something more like a truck, something he could use to haul materials in if need be. Plus, of course, he had to have a motorcycle.

The truck was a very Steve move, very practical. The motorcycle belonged to the man I called Fun-Steve.

“I’ll drive,” I said, grabbing to keys to my car, “That way I won’t owe you one.” I gave him a small wink.

“Oh, yes you most definitely will. I would prefer driving, so you’re not doing me any favor,” Steve said, getting into the passenger side of my car.

Steve loved driving. I think he liked being in control and having some space to himself. He would often go the long way home, longer than it already was since we were in upstate New York, just so that he could enjoy the road. So, I knew that this wouldn’t fulfill the favor I owed him, but I thought that it would be worth a shot. Plus, I enjoyed driving fast.

—————

It was after the fundraising event and the children at the largest orphanage were gearing up to go trick-or-treating. Steve was helping some of the boys get changed into their costumes and he was taking pictures with any and everyone who asked. He was Captain America after all. 

Women fawned over him, children looked up to him, and men wanted to be him. I on the other hand was far less known, or at least my face was.

I knew that my public reputation took a hit years back when I released all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s intel. Everyone knew everything about me, and even though I mostly had good interactions with the public, there were a lot of people who didn’t care to spend one minute talking to me. They believed I wasn’t trustworthy or wholesome like Captain America was.

Every once in a while someone would want to take a picture, but it was honestly mostly men who were nervous, pervy, or both. I knew the effect I had on men, and I often used it to my advantage, but it got very, very old. I had to admit that I was at least a little jealous of the love and attention that Steve had. Everyone loved him, and how could they not? He was everything everyone said about him and more. He was genuine, kind, strong, brave, patriotic, handsome. All of it and more.

I went over to where a group of young girls were and I helped them pick out costumes from the seemingly endless pile that I had picked up weeks ago. Pepper told me to get multiple of every kind of costume that I could find so that the kids had options.

“Look! Ms. Romy,” A young girl held up a black bodysuit that had a tail on the back. Some kind of cat costume I would guess. I told the kids they could call me Nat, but most of them called me Ms. Romy (Romanoff was a struggle for a few of them so I shortened it for them).

“Wow! I think that would look great on you Sarah.” I smiled at her. 

“I’m gonna look just like you Ms. Romy! I can get the bad guys just like you do! I just have to cut the tail off!” She said. 

My heart swelled and sank at the same time. The public knew that I was the Black Widow, but my status wasn’t like Steve’s. It was much more questionable. The public decided who I was once those documents were released, not who I actually am.

No one knew what it was like to be me. They didn’t know what it was like to fail the entire universe and be responsible for the dusting. They didn’t know what it was like to murder dozens of people or what it was like to watch the life fade from the eyes of someone that they had killed themselves. They didn’t know what it was like to live a life knowing that you could never have children because someone had made it so. They didn’t know what it was like to grow up without a family and to then be forced to train their entire lives while being manipulated psychologically.

No one could know what that felt like though, and I understood that. But it was still hard.

Sarah was beautiful and sweet and she even had red hair like mine. I saw a lot of myself in the little 6 year old. I knew I was a role model to her, and I tried to be better for her and kids like her everyday. 

“You can do whatever it is you want to do, just make sure you don’t hurt anyone, okay?” I said, trying to hold back both tears and laughter at the same time as she spun in circles, hitting a couple children with her costume as she did so.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom and change!” She yelled, grabbing the hand of her friend, Jamie, along the way.

I watched as the girls picked out costumes and helped them change with some other volunteers if they needed it until all of them were ready to go. I handed out bags to put candy in to all of the children with Steve until they were all out the door and walking down the street with chaperones. 

Once all the children had emptied out, Steve and I followed after, talking to kids as they went in and out of apartment buildings up and down the blocks, sneaking a few pieces of candy here and there. 

——————

We had seen Pepper earlier at the fundraiser, but she was too busy setting everything and later thanking donors to say more than “how are you doing.” Tony stayed home to watch Morgan, which isn’t the worst excuse considering she’s only about 2, maybe 2 and a half.

Pepper seemed to appear out of nowhere, wearing a simple black dress with her hair in a bun on the top of her head. I felt her arm wrap around my waist and pull me into a side hug.

“Hello, hello,” She said, releasing me from her sweet hug. Her hugs could never last long enough. Pepper was like a sister, mother, and role model wrapped into one, and I could never see her enough.

“Hey Pepper,” Steve said, reaching out a hand for her to shake.

“I’m not shaking your hand,” she said, bringing him in for a hug.

Pepper and Tony were married just about two years prior. They had a very private ceremony, so no one but family was invited. Pepper was just barely pregnant with Morgan when they tied the knot.

“So what are you supposed to be dressed as on this fine evening?” I asked, looking over her so-called costume.

Again, Pepper was dressed in a black dress with her hair tied up. 

“I was going for a Breakfast at Tiffany’s thing, but I didn’t have a ton of time to get a costume together,” she said. She was a poor liar. I knew she didn’t like wearing costumes herself based on her lack of a costume all together last year.

“Uh, huh. So you had all of this time to get costumes together for us, but you forgot about yourself?” I questioned playfully.

“What? Don’t give me that! I just didn’t want to be the star of the show; I was saving that for you two,” she said with a large smile.

“Yes, because I love looking like I’m about to hop in a van with a talking dog and my friends so that we can solve mysteries. I LOVE it,” I said sarcastically gesturing to my clothes.

“Well, you two look great together,” she responded, giving me a wink when Steve was nervously looking down, “Although I wish you had worn the pants Freddy.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, letting out a small laugh as his face went a deep shade of pink.

After about ten minutes of talking with Pepper, she was swept away by her assistant to help with a kid who was throwing up because he ate too much candy and another group of kids who had gotten into a fight over trading candy. Once the kids were done trick-or-treating Steve, myself, and the other chaperones checked the kids back into the orphanage and the other children onto their busses, back to their orphanages.

Steve insisted that he drive home after I made one small complaint about my feet hurting from the heels, and I didn’t feel like objecting, because they did actually hurt. I think he didn’t like that I drove fast. 

Steve pulled into the compound, at a very slow pace of course, and parked my car. He ran around to my side of the car, opening the door for me and offering a hand to help me out. It was a bit over the top, but that was Steve - a gentleman to the extreme.

“You pick the movie, I’ll pick the snacks?” Steve asked as he lead us inside, slipping off his shoes before making his way to the living room we always watched movies in. Which also happened to be the living room we fell asleep watching movies in frequently as well.

“Sounds like a plan, let me just slip into something comfy quick,” I said walking in the opposite direction of the living room and to the stairs, towards my apartment.

“Wait, Nat,” Steve said hesitantly.

“Yeah?” I said nervously. I could feel my heart flutter, a nervous energy filling inside me. I couldn’t tell why either.

“You’re not comfortable right now?” He teased, raising a brow at me.

I let out a sigh as I turned around, flipping him off. I heard him let out a laugh.

What a dork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Are you all liking the story so far? This chapter was a bit longer than normal (I thought I would compensate a bit after not posting in over a week). How are we liking the Halloween stuff?
> 
> Right now my goal is to get at least a chapter in every week, although I know it’s not a week on the dot every time.
> 
> I would love to hear what you’re thinking, what suggestions you have, or anything else!!
> 
> I look forward to writing the next couple chapters, as I have some fun surprises lined up!


	5. Chapter 5

Halloween came and passed, and November had set in.

It was always my least favorite time of the year. I guess the holidays always felt a bit somber to me considering I never got the chance to celebrate until I was an adult. Even then, I wouldn’t really call it celebrating - I can’t say I’ve ever taken many breaks from work in my life. I never felt like I could.

Since the snap, it was even easier to work; I would often spend long nights in my office working on anything and everything I could. Every once in a while I would doze off and I would find myself asleep on the couch courtesy of Steve.

The only time I really took breaks was when I was with Steve. Somehow he was able to draw me away from the alluring pull of my desk with a movie or dinner or just some light conversation. I knew that he was worried about me, and I was worried about him too, but things were just easier when I was working. I felt like I was trying to do something important. 

Last year around the holidays Steve would plan all kinds of stuff for us to do to help take me away from my work and I can say I probably participated in half of them. Festive activities took a lot out of me - they weren’t really my style. For Steve though, I tried.

Besides the festivities, my birthday was in November. I preferred a quiet birthday every year, and if I’m honest, I didn’t think I would make it this far. As a girl I thought I wouldn’t make it past 20. Then when I was 20 I thought I wouldn’t make it another year. Then the years kept coming, and every year I was just as surprised as the last. I should’ve died a thousand times by now if not more.

— — — — — — 

My knees were bouncing, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I could practically feel my skin crawling.

I needed a release.

I moved away from my desk, and I made my way over to the target range on the west wing of the facility. I quickly went into the armory, loading two handguns and putting ear plugs in my ears, and sticking some clear glasses on my face. I strapped a multitude of magazines to my waist as a gripped a gun in each hand.

Every once in a while I had to let off some steam. I didn’t have any soothing activities like Steve did. He always told me that drawing made him feel at peace. I’m guessing that’s why he fell so deeply into architecture after the snap along with his many other jobs. For me though, hitting a bullseye usually helped me get rid of some of the pressure and relax.

I pinned up a target and quickly took my place at the mark on the floor and I began shooting.

With every shot I could feel my blood boil and my skin grow warmer. My breathing picked up.

With every shot I could see the face of every person I fought, every person I lost against. I let magazines fall in and out of each handgun as I continued to shoot through the bullseye. The paper was shredded into pieces on the floor but I couldn’t stop as I kept shooting. I could feel my eyes welling with tears, but I wouldn’t let myself cry. Not now, not ever if I could help it.

I shot until I was out of bullets and I let out the most cathartic scream for what felt like hours. My own scream rang through my ears as it choked in my throat. I heard it echo throughout the large gun range as it rumbled through my body. I felt my knees buckle, and I dropped to the floor, letting a few tears slip out as the clinking of the metal guns hit the marble ground next to me.

I looked at my hands, and they trembled. I would have been beaten as a child if I acted like this in the orphanage. God, I think they would have just killed me on the spot. One metal bullet to the skull.

But now? I couldn’t stop myself from feeling. I let so many people down. I let myself down. Just as I was beginning to feel secure, I had my new life ripped away from me. 

Images of Wanda and Vision together scattered my brain. Then Sam laughing with Steve.

Then Clint.

God, I knew he wasn’t gone, but he may as well be. Rhodey said he thought Clint may have been involved in some gang related activity, but there wasn’t enough intel to know if it was him. I knew his family was gone, but shit, he was my family too. He disappeared on me, and he decided on his own that this was what he needed to do.

Kneeling on the ground, I thought about everyone I lost. I thought about Clint, someone I didn’t want to lose, although every day I felt him slipping deeper and deeper.

I let myself cry. Not because I couldn’t stop myself, but because I needed the release that the target practice didn’t give me.

I heard the sound of footsteps moving hurriedly down the hall leading up to the target range and knew who it was. Within seconds I felt Steve’s large hands wrap around me as he knelt on the floor in front of me, drawing me into his chest.

“Nat,” I heard him whisper as he squeezed my body against his, “Breathe.”

I followed his instructions, taking deeper breaths while trying not to feel so embarrassed. Why did he have to keep seeing me like this, and why did I keep letting myself get here.

“Thanks,” I muttered, moving away from him as we stood up together. He was still holding onto my hands and I took my eyes away from the ground and met his.

“What happened,” He said, brows furrowed as he searched my face for answers. His eyes looked red and puffy, as if he had been crying.

“Same thing that seems to keep happening,” I said in return. My body felt limp; it felt like it wasn’t my own. I don’t know who was in control of my body, but it barely felt like me.

“Yeah,” He said in return, letting out a deep sigh.

“Were you crying earlier,” I asked, although it came out more like a statement than it did a question.

“That obvious, huh,” He said in reply, giving me a sad smile.

“Welcome to the club,” I said, giving him a small hug. I felt his large body shake in a slight laughter as he wrapped me into his chest again, squeezing tight.

He smelled like a mixture of fresh cotton and pine, and his shirt was a soft flannel. Much more casual than normal for Steve, but I’ll cut him some slack because it was the weekend.

“Why were you doing target practice anyway?” He asked, letting go of me. We both lingered in each other’s arms for just a little longer than usual.

“I thought it would help, I don’t know, relax me, like it normally does,” I could see a small smile spread across his lips, “but I guess that didn’t really work for me today, as you can see.” I let out a small laugh myself as I wiped the tears off my face.

“You don’t say,” He said in return. I could feel my mood picking up with Steve’s friendly tone and pleasant demeanor. 

“Hmm,” I replied. I could’ve came up with an infinite amount of more clever or snide remarks, but considering how kind Steve was, I figured I would pass it up this time.

“I think we need to do something fun tonight to bring up the spirits in this place,” He said, a smile spread across his face.

“So, what’s on the agenda?” I returned, letting go of at least some of the sadness for now.

——————

I suggested that we stay in and watch movies, but Steve had something better planned. He told me to grab as many blankets as I could find and to make some popcorn while he got the festivities set up.

I heard my phone ring in my back pocket and read the name that came up, ‘Stevie.’

“Yes,” I said, picking up the phone knowing that he was somewhere around the facility as I carried as many blankets that I could carry in one arm while juggling a bowl of popcorn in the other.

“I have a little surprise for you on the porch of the east wing,” He said. I could practically hear a smile on his pink lips. The phone clicked off before I could answer him and I managed to slip it back into my back popcorn without spilling too much popcorn.

As I made my way over, I couldn’t help but think about Steve. He knew I needed whatever it was that he was planning. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, I knew that he needed it too. He seemed tense lately, and he was throwing himself into his work much more than he usually did. He was taking less afternoon drives, and he was having much more late nights at his desk.

“Well, hello Ms. Romanoff,” Steve said, putting an arm out and showing me everything he had thrown together. He held the door open for me as I dropped the hoard of blankets down on a love seat and I could feel the cold snap of the November air. Even though I was wearing a sweater, thick leggings and thick socks, I knew I would be needing those blankets. 

There were string lights thrown around the large outdoor furniture that Tony had littered around the porch. Tony said that he needed a nice place to take a break when he would spend time working in the lab, but most of the time I would find him taking a nap. When I would wake him up he would claim that he was merely, ‘resting his eyes.’ I miss that time.

Next to the furniture was a large telescope, pointing up at the night sky. That was one of the nicer parts of living at the facility - there wasn’t any city noise and the sky was filled with more stars than I could hope to count.

Steve sat down on the loveseat next to where I put down the blankets and patted the seat next to him.

“Okay, first I think we should eat some popcorn, then look through the telescope,” He said with a smile.

“Steve, this is really, really nice,” I said in reply, a huge grin spread across my lips. I grabbed us each a couple blankets and sat down next to him, plopping down the popcorn bowl between us.

“Really, it was nothing,” He said nonchalantly, grabbing a handful of popcorn in one hand and eating it with the other, “You needed a break.”

“Yeah,” I let out a sigh, grabbing a handful of popcorn, “I think we both needed one.”

He let out a sigh himself and gave me a weak smile before looking back up at the sky.

It seemed so mesmerizing, outer space. It made me feel so minuscule and it helped put things into perspective. I was just one person, and I have lost so much in life, but I have been given so much. I couldn’t help but think about all of the other people out there who have it much worse than me, and I feel grateful. It’s so strange to me, but the vast abyss of space was comforting in a way.

Steve and I stared out at the sky for a while, occasionally pointing out a constellation or dropping a piece of popcorn in the folds of the blankets draped around us. Even though I had two thick blankets wrapped around me and even though my feet were tucked in as well as they could be with my feet on the loveseat, I still couldn’t stop myself from letting a cold shiver cross over my body.

“Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t find any of the space heaters anywhere, I’ll have to ask Pepper where she keeps them sometime,” Steve rambled, looking nervous as he rubbed the back of his neck, “But, uh, I’m pretty warm if you wanted to come in a little closer.” He looked so nervous. It was adorable, truly.

“Well, if you insist, Stevie,” I said and I saw his shoulders relax he let out a breathy laugh from his chest, almost like he was holding his breath.

I snuggled into his side and smelled that familiar pine and fresh cotton scent. God, I felt like I could live in that scent forever. It was so beautifully comforting.

We sat and talked like that for a while before Steve got up to look through the telescope. He gestured for me to follow and we took turns looking through it and pointing out the beauty above us.

After a good twenty or thirty minutes of that, I found myself back under the covers as I picked through the last few good pieces of popcorn.

“Nothing left?” Steve asked, joining me back on the loveseat and wrapping himself up in blankets again.

“Nothing worth eating at least,” I said, sticking the bowl back on the floor as I readjusted back into the couch, tucking my feet into the blankets.

We stayed like that for another hour or so, chatting and laughing, before Steve let out a huff, “Well, I think it might be about time for bed.” He got up, wrapped up his blankets in one arm and extended the other to help me out the incredibly comfortable loveseat. I now see why it was so easy for Tony to rest his eyes here considering I felt half asleep myself.

“I think so too,” I said, letting out a huge yawn while slowly shuffling around to grab any blankets I could. I noticed that Steve had already grabbed the popcorn bowl. His arm really can work wonders with all that was wrapped up within one right now.

“So, am I dropping you off at your apartment, or is this gonna be another couch night?” He questioned as we headed inside. I looked up at his face and saw his tired blue eyes. I so badly wanted to say couch, but I knew that I shouldn’t go about making that a habit.

“I think bed,” I said, letting out another yawn, “But you don’t have to walk me there, I am capable of handling myself Steve.” I teased.

A look of worry spread across his face as i he had done something wrong, “Oh, I’m sorry, Nat, I-I didn’t mean to offend you or anything,” He rambled like that for a few more seconds before I cut him off with a laugh.

“I’m only joking Steve, I’m not offended. And besides, I think you know better than any that I can handle myself,” I returned and he smiled, shaking his head.

“Well, let’s get you there then,” He held out his free arm for me to grab onto and I couldn’t help but at least lightly roll my eyes considering the old-school chivalry. It was quite endearing though, I must admit.

Steve walked me through the facility until we got to my apartment, and holding a hoard of blankets, he gave me a small hug goodbye.

“Thanks, Steve, I needed tonight,” I said, letting go of his hug while giving his should a quick squeeze before letting my hand drop to my side.

“I did too,” He said in return, “And Nat, just, let me know if you need anything. Like really, anything at all, I’m here,” He said. My eyes met his and I could tell that he was serious. His brows her furrowed and a small bit of worry crashed onto his kind face.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, “I know. Thank you,” I said with one last hug.

I left Steve with a smile, and I couldn’t get rid of it until I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! This chapter was all over the place but I think I’m happy with the result!
> 
> I’ve been love all the love you’ve been giving me and wanna know what you think in the comments :)


	6. Chapter 6

My breathing was heavy and labored as I fought Hydra agents left and right and all I could think about was Steve. All that I knew was that I had to find him, and that something bad was going to happen. A large Hydra agent sprinted towards me in a dark room and I readied myself to fight against him, then knocking him out was a single blow to the throat. I sprinted as fast as I could, breaking into the room where Steve was being held.

Steve was laying on the ground under a spotlight as two Hydra agents, covered in shadows, kicked his sides, spitting on him while laughing and mumbling swears. I quickly ran over to him, throwing two knives at each of the agents on the way. They both fell to the ground while yelling out expletives. I knelt down to meet Steve’s face and noticed my knees and legs were covered in Steve’s blood - there was a small pool of it surrounding Steve’s limp body. 

He was riddled with bullet holes and his face was more black and blue than it was his natural skin tone. His breathing was minimal, as if it was the hardest thing he has ever had to do. I could see streams of blood flowing out of him from various points as it added to the already large pool of blood on the floor around him. I couldn’t help but start to cry as I grabbed onto his face, meeting his eyes as I searched for any sign of safety.

His eyes barely opened, mesmerizing, and he whispered, “I love you, Nat.” 

His breathing lapsed and I saw the life leaving his body. He began to go limp and his eyes glossed over, blood still surging out from his body. Tears flowed from my eyes and my hands were shaking.

——————

It was only a dream. Well, it was actually a nightmare.

I found myself in bed, hyperventilating, covered in a light sweat. My hands were shaking and I could barely catch my breath. I had the same horrendous nightmare that I had a few months ago, only this time it was much worse.

The last and only other time I had this nightmare, I had taken a nap on the couch in the late afternoon when Steve was watching a baseball game. I had never cared much for baseball, and opted to ‘rest my eyes’ instead. Last time I had this dream I had only gotten to the part where I had seen Steve laying on the ground. When I woke up screaming for Steve, breathing heavily, he was by my side on the couch and wrapped me up into a large hug. I sat with him like that for a few minutes, making sure that I was actually hugging him and that he was safe.

This time, I found out the ending to a story that I never wanted to know. Nightmare Steve had died in my arms, and I couldn’t shake the horrific image from my brain.

My brain felt like a stir fry of terror, grief, and confusion as I tried to comprehend what was real and what was the nightmare in my groggy, half-awake state. I threw my covers to the side of my bed and ran out my apartment door, sprinting to Steve’s apartment as fast as I could to make sure everything was okay.

I pounded on his door continuously until I heard mumbling on the other side. The front door to Steve’s apartment opened and I immediately threw my arms around him, making sure that he was okay. He had no broken skin, there was no blood, and his face was just as handsome as it always was. I let out a sigh of relief and breathed in the fresh smell of his white pajama tee.

“Nat, is everything alright?” He asked. I could hear the confusion and concern in his voice.

“I just, I had a vivid nightmare. It’s hard to talk about, but, you died in my arms,” I said, nuzzling into his chest as a small tear slipped from my eye. I gripped onto his back as if he could slip away from my arms at any moment.

He pulled me in tighter and rubbed my back, “Nat, it’s okay,” I felt his hand press up against the back of my head, rubbing small circles behind my ear. I felt like I couldn’t let go of him. Like no amount of time could be enough to prove to me that he was safe; that he was okay. I knew he was though, but I needed to calm down more first. I needed to get myself together.

“Um, I’m sorry, but can I just stay here for a little while? I just, I don’t want to be alone,” I asked, letting go of his hug to see that he too looked tired. He had tears of his own welling up in his eyes and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault.

He nevertheless nodded and invited me into his apartment, and I took a seat in his kitchen. He grabbed two glasses of water and I noticed the time on his microwave; 3:26 AM. 

“I’m sorry to wake you this early in the morning,” I said as Steve placed a glass of water in front of me. I took a small sip before catching his eyes again.

“Really, it’s fine, I just want to be here for you,” Steve said, his brows furrowed. I could tell he was still concerned.

I gave him a small smile and he gestured me over to his bed and patted it.

“Oh, Steve, I don’t- I can just sleep on the couch, really,” I bartered, knowing how this conversation was going to end. I watched as Steve moved from the bed with a pillow and placed it on his couch. While the couch was big enough, I still don’t think a larger man like Steve could sleep on it comfortably for more than a few hours.

“No, you’re sleeping in my bed, and I’ll take the couch, and I’m not arguing about it,” He said, gesturing for me to go to the bed.

“Normally I would fight you on your insistent chivalry, but I’m too tired for this,” I said with a tired laugh, moving towards the bed. I was wearing tight black shorts and an oversized shirt without a bra, per usual. I began to notice the cold air around me and covered up my chest, sparing Steve of his embarrassment and uncomfortable feelings over a slightly hard nipple.

I moved over to the right side of the bed and tucked myself into the still-warm covers, inhaling the masculine scent of the sheets. It was comforting.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Steve asked, standing in the middle of the couch bed and the real bed. 

I felt better than before, but still anxious. I couldn’t help but feel that my world was shutting down around me and I was doing everything in my power to push the walls outward. Sure, I had gone through stuff in the past, but the snap was the worst loss I had ever felt. So, even dreaming about losing Steve was the worst possible nightmare I could imagine - it shook me to my core thinking about his bloody, helpless body. I couldn’t get the image out of my head.

“Um, yeah,” I said, almost as a whimper, “Could you maybe just sit with me for a minute?” I didn’t even want to look at him. I felt embarrassed and sad. I didn’t want to see Steve’s sad blue eyes staring back at me through the dim lighting left by the kitchen lights around the corner. It was so surprisingly painful.

He was alive, and he was right in front of me and I should be relieved. But I still felt like I needed to be taken care of, and I hated the feelings of needing to rely on others. Granted, I was getting better at letting myself need others - but now, Steve was the only one I would let take care of me.

He suggested I go to his group meetings with him in the past, or even see a therapist, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that Steve was hurting too, but at least he had his group, and he had me. I guess in a weird way we both had each other. I knew it was fucked up too. I shouldn’t put my shit on my friends, but Steve was the only person in the world who could possibly understand what I was going through, so we confided in each other and cared for one another.

“Of course,” He said in return, sitting down on the left side of the bed, leaning up against the headboard and putting his feet up.

“Thanks,” I said in return, turning over so that I could see him, “I really appreciate you, Steve, I- uh, I need you, and I’m really glad I have someone like you.” I felt embarrassed by my words, but they were necessary. I knew that I joked around with Steve a lot, but he was important to me, he was my best friend.

“Nat,” He paused for a minute, his face flushing and his eyes dropping to his hands that were folded in his lap. 

“Yeah?” I questioned through my grogginess; my eyes were trying to close, pushing against my desire to stay awake and talk with Steve all night. I felt my heart beat pick up and I couldn’t grasp why. I felt such a strange connection to Steve, and I couldn’t put into words how I felt. He felt like family but at the same time a best friend mixed with a husband. We ate meals together and watched movies. We planned to be with each other most nights. I was so used to him being a part of my life that he felt like an extension of myself in a strange way.

“Uh,” He rubbed the back of his neck and I knew that he wanted to say something more, but instead he said, “I, uh, I appreciate you. More than you know. I really, really do.”

I’ll take it.

——————

I woke up to the sound of an alarm clock beeping and felt a heaviness against my shoulder. I inhaled deeply the scent of cotton I was all too familiar with and felt a warmth against my back.

As I moved to stop the sounding of the alarm clock, I felt what could only be Steve moving next to me. He had his arm wrapped around me and I was snuggled into his side, my back against his and our legs bent in the same shape.

I heard Steve inhale deeply next to me and he removed his arm from my side, stretching it out before he realized that he fell asleep next to me. We ended up talking last night and I don’t even remember falling asleep. Steve must have fallen asleep next to me too.

I felt Steve tense up next to me and I pushed through my grogginess, sitting up. I felt a chill as I broke through the blankets and pulled the covers up over my hardening nipples.

Steve rubbed his eyes, pushing himself up and leaning against the headboard, letting out a light laugh.

“What?” I said, looking down at my chest again to make sure my chest was covered.

“Nothing, I just set up a place to sleep on the couch for nothing,” He said. I noticed that he was shirtless and questioned my memory of last night.

He noticed me staring at his muscular chest and I saw that his face was flushed.

“So, why is it that Stevie didn’t sleep on the couch last night?” I questioned playfully.

“Well, Natasha,” there was that familiar playful tone is his deep, groggy morning voice, “I must have fallen asleep sometime when we were talking last night and I have a vague memory of getting warm and taking off my clothes.” He said, matter-of-fact.

“Hmm,” I said, peeking under the covers to see what his mention of ‘clothes’ entailed.

“Just the shirt,” He rolled his eyes and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. He still had on the same grey sweats that he was wearing when he opened his door to find me panicked last night.

“Bummer,” I replied, letting out a laugh while knowing that his face would go red with embarrassment.

“Very funny, Romanoff,” He let out a light laugh, rubbing his eyes.

I tried to hide my smile, but I knew it was still spread across my face. I couldn’t help but think about having slept next to Steve Rogers. He was so proper and old-school, so the idea that he woke up, took off his shirt, and chose to stay next to me was a bit shocking. I wonder if the whole cuddling thing just happened in our sleep or if that was Steve’s idea.

Either way I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t find comfort in him next to me. Plus, it had been a long time since I had felt any kind of closeness to anyone.

“Well,” I said, brushing through my long hair with my hands, “Thanks for last night. I really must owe you a lot at this point, huh?”

“Yes, Nat, yes you do, but you don’t need to worry about last night. That was the first time I’ve slept well in a long time. Plus, I won’t count it on top of what you already owe me, just because I’m nice,” He said with a smirk.

I rolled my eyes before scooting over to his side of the bed, letting the blanket that was covering up my chest fall as I wrapped him into a hug.

“You’re so lame, Rogers,” I said, feeling him laugh as he wrapped his arms around me.

He was lame, but he was that perfect kind of lame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I only spell-checked/edited like 2/3 of this because I wanted to get it out so I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes, BUT THANKS SO MUCH!!!
> 
> I have been loving the support for this story and it really pushes me to write when I don’t feel like it. Your comments mean a lot to me :)
> 
> I have been really enjoying this story and I think I know how an ending can play out, but I’m still toying around with ideas, so let me know what you all think or if you have any ideas you want me to include in the comments or on my tumblr!
> 
> Plus I’ve been interested in writing some one shots, so let me know if you have any ideas for some! I’d love to know what you guys want, as I’m willing to write more.
> 
> Much love xo


	7. Chapter 7

Steve was being suspicious lately. It was just a few days past our little sleepover event, and I felt an unusual distance between us. I found Steve acting a bit more awkward than he normally was, and we had only had one meal together for the past few days.

Normally we tried to eat at least dinner together, although it wasn’t some spoken thing. We just kind of spent the nights together in the living room or kitchen of the facility. It was like a routine; get up, train, shower, work, lunch, work, dinner and something fun with Steve. Sometimes on the weekends we would make drinks.

Thor was nice enough to send Steve some of his Asgaurdian ale every once in a while, so Steve was actually able to enjoy himself.

Regardless, we usually spent the nights in the same general area as each other, even if I was reading and Steve was sketching. We may be doing something separately, but it still felt as though we were together.

Basically, I’ve been missing Steve lately. I texted him yesterday to ask where he’s been, and he told me that he was working on something important. It was a fairly weak response.

As I made a quick sandwich, I decided that maybe I should bring Steve a snack, so I quickly stacked together another and headed over to him. Before I got over to his desk from the kitchen, I heard him talking on the phone.

“No, I know,” He let out a sigh and I sneaked around the corner to get a peek at him. He was seated at his desk with his phone pressed to his ear. I recently was able to get him into smart phones, despite his hesitant attitude towards “new” technology.

“Look, I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to catch up, grab a drink or something,” I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t explain the feelings I had for Steve. I knew who he was talking to on the other line.

Sharon Carter.

While I had nothing against Sharon, I felt that her relationship with Steve was always off. On paper everything made sense for them. They were both attractive, smart, and strong-willed. They never seemed to quite find their footing though. After the snap in Wakanda, Steve tried to make amends with Sharon. She understood why he had to leave after the huge fight with Tony back in 2016, but things were never the same between them. They briefly tried dating again when we got back to New York a few years ago, but things were too different. They dated for maybe 4 months or so after the snap until things ended amicably. 

I looked at Steve’s computer screen and I noticed that he was on the website of a high-end restaurant downtown. It seemed like a bit more than just drinks.

I couldn’t help but feel saddened. I knew that Steve was making the wrong decision calling her up again, but I could understand it. He liked things that were familiar. He liked comfort.

“Okay, well let me know what you’re thinking and give me a call,” He said, rolling his chair away from the desk.

I tried to sneak away as best as I could, but before I could escape from an even more awkward time with Steve, he must have heard or seen me.

“Nat? Is that you?” I heard him stand up and stopped in my tracks. He moved around the bend of the room to see me standing with my back facing him.

I mumbled a profanity under my breath before turning around, “Yeah, uh, I was just stopping by to say hello.”

Seriously, I couldn’t come up with anything better than ‘saying hello?’ I honestly was a little ashamed of myself, but Steve could get me like that sometimes. I dropped my guard around him.

“Really?” He said as I turned around to face him, “Then why is it that you have two sandwiches in your hands, hmm?” He was playful and cute, and I couldn’t help but feel his warmth, but his phone call to Sharon really threw me off.

“Oh, right, I was just seeing if you wanted one. You’ve been working so late and everything, I can just leave it and go,” I said, moving towards his desk, setting down the plate that held this mediocre dinner.

“Oh, no, I was just finishing up,” He said, moving over towards me to grab the plate, “Why don’t we watch a movie or something?”

I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. I’m not sure if it was Steve avoiding me, his phone call to his ex, or his general switch in attitude, but something was off.

“I think I’m just going to turn in early actually, I was just making dinner quick so I figured I would drop something off. I’m feeling pretty tired,” I said. I watched as his face dropped from a happy-go-lucky Steve to a confused and upset Steve.

I knew I was making him unhappy, but I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. He was trying to take Sharon out to a fancy restaurant just a few minutes ago. Was I supposed to ignore that? I wasn’t about to be played by Steve, if you could call it that.

“Oh,” He replied, putting the plate back down on his desk while grabbing the back of the chair, “Well maybe we can hang out tomorrow night then instead?” He asked. He threw his classic, blue, puppy-dog eyes at me, and I really tried hard to resist.

“Well, I can probably make some time if I get all of my work done,” I said, and I saw his face relax. It was those damn eyes.

“Great! That’s great news,” He said, truly as if he were a little kid who was just given candy. It was pretty cute, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, uh, goodnight Steve,” I said, turning around the corner after giving an awkward wave.

“No Stevie? C’mon Nat! Don’t tell me you’re going weak on me now!” He yelled as I continued walking down the hallway. I could hear his low chuckle even from the ever-growing distance between us.

“In your dreams Rogers.” I smirked, taking a bite of my sandwich.

———————

I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was racing back and forth, torturing itself and the rest of my body as a thin layer of sweat coated my face. My feet bounced and I was stretching out my neck every few minutes, trying to relax.

I thought about Steve and Sharon and their short lived romance. He seemed so fixated on her after the snap. I think he thought if he got back together with her, he could get a semblance of his old life back. I think Sharon reminded him of Peggy too. I get it.

From what Steve has told me about Peggy, she seemed like a catch. A true patriot, strong-willed, and beautiful. She was truly ahead of her time from what Steve mentioned. He really didn’t talk about her much anymore though, as he had told me that he gave up on that life a long time ago. He said he was committed to helping Americans right here, right now. He didn’t want to focus on the past.

Right now though, it seemed to be catching up with him.

Ever since Steve and I kissed in the bar, things seemed different with us. He had always been my best friend, but there was a newfound closeness that I didn’t want to lose. Steve was Steve, and he will always be Steve. He is my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose him to Sharon again, as selfish as that seemed. I needed him much more than I can imagine Sharon needs him. Steve and I had such a strong, deep history that went beyond just a few months of dating. I needed him to survive.

I rocked back and forth in my bed until I couldn’t take it any longer. I slid out of bed and over into my bathroom where I threw some cold water on my face and on the back of my neck to cool me down. I looked in the mirror at my pinkish eyes and felt the sudden urge to cry.

Restraining myself, I turned to a different therapeutic option - masturbation. 

When melatonin didn’t work, there was a long list of different options I utilized to relax, and masturbating was just one of them. Besides, I didn’t feel like taking a bath at this hour.

I crawled back into bed and slid open my nightstand drawer, opening up the hidden bottom compartment to pull out a small pink vibrator I had gifted myself around a year ago. I told Pepper that I was having trouble sleeping, and she recommended I pick up this little pink number to help. What a help it’s been.

I grabbed my phone and searched around until I found a video that I thought would work for me. I thumbed through a few lesbian videos before settling on some straight porn to mix things up. It featured a slim red head and a blond, muscular man ‘working out’ at some gym that was obviously not a gym.

I turned the vibrator on, ignoring the ridiculous commentary that they were making to each other while trying to focus on only them. As I got closer and closer to climax, I couldn’t stop thinking about the night I spent with Steve.

It was so beautiful and wholesome, but waking up to a shirtless Steve was definitely the cherry on top. There was no denying he was attractive, and seeing him in that adorable and vulnerable position only helped his case.

Just as I was about to reach the edge, I heard a knock on my door.

I practically threw the vibrator across the room before jumping out of bed and pulling my shorts back up. I was dressed in an oversized black tee shirt and some small, tight shorts. 

Quickly getting to my feet, I checked the clock that read 1:12 AM. Confused, I shuffled over to where the vibrator landed and quickly shut it off, sticking it under the covers of my bed before hearing another knock.

Just as I managed to get to the door, I opened it and no one was behind it. I peered my head out of my door and saw Steve walking down the hallway and back towards his apartment. He quickly turned back to where I was and moved towards the door. His broad shoulders were more evident than ever, and I couldn’t help but think about the couple I was just watching.

“Steve,” I said, leaning against the doorway as he stood in front of me. He didn’t look great.

His hair was messy and he was wearing some black athletic shorts with a white tee shirt. He looked like he hadn’t been sleeping either.

“Nat, I, I don’t know what I did, or if I hurt you or anything, I don’t know, but I just, I wanted to figure it out, and I didn’t-” He rambled in circles before I cut him off with a hug.

He stopped talking and squeezed me into his chest harder.

“You’re fine, Steve, really,” I said, half telling the truth and half lying. I mean, he was fine. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s not like we were ever anything but friends. Plus, maybe I was just being dramatic. I didn’t own him or anything, and he’s free to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.

“I’m sorry I’ve been weird lately, I’ve just been dealing with a lot and everything,” He said, placing a hand gently on the back of my head.

I felt bad that I was being a bit cold to him, and I knew that whatever was going on, he needed me.

“Do you wanna come in? We can have another little sleep over,” I said with a laugh. I looked up at his tired face and he smiled with a nod before I led him inside.

“I can go to the couch,” He said, grabbing a throw blanket as he headed toward the small red couch in the corner of the room.

“Nonsense,” I said in response, sitting on the bed and patting the spot next to me, “It’s not like we haven’t slept together before,” I said with a smirk before crawling under the covers.

“I mean, I guess you could return the favor,” He said with a smile as he crawled in next to me.

He pulled the blankets around him and wiggled around for a bit before sliding his shirt over his head and onto the floor next to him.

I couldn’t help but notice his body next to me, even in the dark.

He must have seen me staring, as he said, “Uh, is this weird, I can put it back on, I just figured I did last time,” He rambled, looking at me nervously in the dark.

“No, no, it’s fine, no worries,” I said in return, turning my back towards him so that I wouldn’t continue staring at his chiseled pecs.

Just as we were settling into sleep, I felt him tense up next to me. He wiggled around some more before he sat up and leaned over, grabbing something from the edge of the end of the bed.

“Uh, Nat,” He said, and I felt a jolt go through me. The vibrator.

“Fuck,” I mumbled, sitting up again and turning towards him. Holy shit. This was not just slightly embarrassing, but fully mortifying.

“Having a bit of fun before I got here, huh?” He teased, swinging the vibrator around in his hands while laughing.

“Look, my personal life is mine Rogers. I’m just shocked a prude such as yourself would know what that is in the first place,” I said, snatching it out of his hands and sticking it back into the drawer I store it in.

“Pink? Really Romanoff? A bit cliche if you ask me. It’s not really your color,” He said, teasing some more as he settled back into bed.

“Shut it,” I said in return, sinking into my side of the bed and covering my ear with the pillow.

He grabbed my side with one hand and moved the pillow with his other, leaning into my ear as he whispered, “No judgement here, it’s actually very attractive to see a woman like yourself take matters into her own hands, literally,” He said, giggling in my ear again. He lingered there for what felt like just a little to long to be a joke, and I knew that I had to cut things off. He was talking to Sharon after all; plus it was late, emotions were running high, and I didn’t want to make a decision that we would later regret. He was my best friend after all, even if he was laying half naked in bed next to me, torturing me about masturbation.

I turned towards him again and said in the most stern voice I could muster up, “Goodnight Steve. I’m glad we had this little chat, but let’s never talk about it again,” I said, turning back around and pulling the covers up over me.

He giggled again before muttering a ‘fine’ out loud. He let out a yawn and before turning away from me, he gave me a quick and unexpected peck on the forehead.

I don’t know what to make of any of it, but I knew that tomorrow was going to be anything but normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things seem to be very back and forth right now for Nat, but I have really been enjoying writing! I have been loving the feedback on here and on tumblr, and would love to see the continued support!! You all are so lovely and I really want to thank you for pushing me to keep writing even when it’s been MUCH easier to not lol.
> 
> That being said, let me know what you think and what you want to see out of this series! I would also LOVE some recommendations for one-shots to write, as I’ve been feeling very inspired to do some more writing lately.
> 
> Thanks!!


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up to the weight of a heavy, chisled arm wrapped over my body and tucked into my chest. I snuggled in closer until the back side of my body was pressed against the front of Steve’s, and I felt the deep breathing of his chest falling and raising.

Without sounding too cliche, it felt like heaven; like I was supposed to be here.

Everything just felt so easy with Steve around. Even though things had been weird the past few days, I knew there was something lingering between us. I was trained to learn the movements and emotions of humans as a child in the Black Widow program, so it was fairly easy to read people. With Steve, it was definitely a bit harder, but I have a feeling it’s because I’m letting my own feelings cloud my typically sharp judgement of people.

I was willing to admit that I definitely had very specific and confusing feelings towards Steve. I had always had a small crush on him, even from the day that I met him. Even though I would never admit it to him, the well-rounded, occasionally uptight, and always kind man that he is drew me towards him. When I met him for the first time, it was just so easy to be around him.

I knew that sooner or later we would have to talk about what all of this was, but for now, I didn’t want to risk losing everything by confronting our feelings. Especially when I wasn’t sure what mine were and if he was still interested in Sharon.

I couldn’t help but notice the ways in which our bodies were pressed together. It was kind and gentle in all of the right places with a certain sensuality that begged to be explored. I knew that if anything happened like that with Steve there would be no going back - we couldn’t ever be friends with benefits (or anything of the sort for that matter. I thought about my back pressed against his hardened chest and the way that my hips slid into his; my butt was gently pressing against his crotch, and in all truth it was tempting.

I took in a deep breath and slid out of his wrapping arms, causing him to inhale deeply and begin to wake.

“Shit,” I said as I brushed through my hair with my hands, sitting up in the same spot that I was just sleeping in.

He let out a deep, loud yawn next to me, fluttering his eyes open as he shifted around and looked up at me. He yawned again and smiled at me, letting out a small giggle as he rewrapped the blanket around him to cover up more of his chest.

“Why shit?” Steve asked, snuggling into the sheets as his blue eyes met mine.

“I just didn’t mean to wake you, that’s all,” I said, knowing that that was only a half truth.

I didn’t know what this was with Steve, and even though I liked it, I needed to protect myself from getting into something that he might not feel the same about.

“No worries there,” He said with a smile, “I’m glad you did.”

I gave a half smile and walked over to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Plus it was a nice breather from sitting next to a half-naked and very tempting Steve.

I quickly went through my morning routine, and changed into my workout clothing, a white tank top and black leggings. I braided my hair back as quickly as I could, pulling out a few strands after thinking about Steve laying in my bed.

But after walking through the front door, I noticed an empty bed, tidied up and neatly made with a note on it. No Steve in sight.

I walked over to the bed, and picking up the note I read, ‘Thanks for last night, it meant a lot. I can’t say I remember who owes the other at this point, but I’d love if I could cook some dinner for us tonight - Steve.’

I quickly compartmentalized the information and threw my shoes on to head to the gym downstairs.

—————

I didn’t end up doing much today. I worked out and did some target practice, but when I tried to do some ballet it was too difficult. Not because I couldn’t physically do it, but it was so difficult to get my brain to be quiet enough to let my body do the work. 

With target practice it was different - it was easy. It felt more like a release than anything, and it felt like I was doing what I needed to be doing so that I could better protect myself and everyone else the next time something happened.

With ballet it was difficult to throw myself into something. It felt selfish to do something so beautiful.

I stood at the bar for what felt like an hour, trying to get myself to start until I would take a deep breath and lean against it, looking at myself in the mirror. My hair had grown long and the ends were splitting. I never cut off all of the blonde; it felt like a reminder of the past. If I didn’t cut my hair I wouldn’t have to give up on the idea of fixing everything Thanos did.

I twirled the ends of my hair that were sticking out of the end of my braid and tried to dance again. Overall I think I danced for a total of 20 minutes even though I tried for a good two hours.

It was better than I had been doing in the past though, considering I didn’t cry this time.

——————

I started making my way to the kitchen, tugging at my shirt. I was wearing high waisted jeans and a cropped shirt. I knew Steve was going to be wearing at least a button down shirt, and I felt like I should at least try to match him.

I felt a nervousness that I was becoming all too familiar with when it came to Steve.

Walking up to the kitchen, my breath got caught in my throat when I saw the dinner Steve had prepared. The dining table was set with a table cloth, a couple lit candles, and a full spread of food. Steve was pacing back and forth between the ends of the table.

I tried holding back a smile before I cleared my throat a little louder than normal. He quickly turned and I saw his face flush.

“Um, Hey, Nat,” He said, pulling out a chair for me to sit down at.

“Steve, this is,” I let out a deep breath with a smile and made my way over to him, sitting down as he moved to the chair across from me.

“Is it too much? I just wanted to do something nice, uh, but if it’s too much,” He looked so nervous, and it actually help ease my own nerves.

I mean, it was kind of a lot, but it was sweet.

“No, no, it’s really great,” I said with a smile and looked relieved, “The food looks amazing.” There was a full spread of food and even though nothnig was too difficult to make, it looked delicious.

“Oh, this was nothing,” He said with a smile, scooping pasta onto each of our plates.

“You really didn’t have to do this though Steve, this is so much,” I said, thinking about the amount of time he must have spent on all of this.

“You deserve it,” He smiled, nodding for me to try his cooking, “And besides, I owe you for everything.”

“Everything?” I questioned.

“Well, yeah,” His face turned pink and he swirled noodles around his fork, letting them drop off as he began the swirling again and again nervously, “I mean you’ve really been here for me since everything happened, especially in the past few weeks.”

“Of course, you’re my best friend,” I said without question, but I saw his face fill with confusion.

“Um, Nat,” He paused, puttin his fork down and taking a deep breath, “You’re my best friend too, but things have felt different lately,” His eyes met mine and I could feel my brows furrow in confusion.

“What does that mean,” I asked, feeling a nervousness again.

“Look, Nat, you know I care a lot about you, and I just have been thinking about us a lot,” He started before I interjected.

“Us? What exactly does ‘us’ imply?” I questioned, far more confused than I was before.

“I just, I thought maybe,” He started again before I again interjected.

“Steve,” I took a deep breath, knowing where he would be going with this, “I heard you call Sharon the other day.”

I needed to know what this was and why he was choosing to do all of this now. I care deeply for Steve, and he’s right, things did feel different lately. I wanted nothing more than to be around him all of the time, but I couldn’t do that if I didn’t know what was going on with him and Sharon.

He grew silent, and his face changed from one of nervousness to one of sadness.

“Nat,” He started, trying to say something but unable to find the right words, “It’s just, it’s complicated... and she needs my help right now.”

“Really? She needs your help,” I said, feeling more annoyed by the minute, “I heard you ask her to grab drinks, Steve.”

His face fell and he looked down at the food that was getting colder by the second.

“It wasn’t like that, I don’t have feelings for her anymore, I just had to talk to her about something,” He said, flustered.

“Look, Steve, I get it, you wanted to meet up with your ex, but if you want to keep sleeping in my bed and planning dates with me like this, then it has to be only with me,” I said, waiting for his response.

When there wasn’t a response for a good minute or so, I knew I needed to leave.

“When you figure out how to explain things with Sharon, then you can come find me, you know where I’ll be,” I said, scooting my chair out as I caught Steve’s eyes. He looked like he could cry, and I quickly moved away from the table before I started crying myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I’ve missed writing lately and I’ve been using what spare time I have to throw myself into this story. I’ve been interested in writing some one shots too (I wouldn’t mind some more in depth ones) so let me know what you think! I would LOVE some requests or suggestions from you - even for this story!
> 
> PLEASE let me know what you’ve been thinking of this story so far (even on this kinda sad chapter :/).
> 
> Love the support!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It’s been a while, but I’m back with more chapters on the way! I hope you like this one - it’s sweet and I’ve been wanting to write it for a while now :)

I hadn’t talked to Steve for two days. I spent the majority of my time reading, or at least trying to read. I couldn’t stop thinking about Steve’s face when I mentioned Sharon.

He looked sad and embarrassed. He looked confused, and mostly he looked defeated.

It took that face for me to realize the feelings I had been having for Steve. If it weren’t for our fight, my feelings wouldn’t have bubbled over, seeping all through my body and soaking through my heart.

I was left even sadder and more confused than before. Why couldn’t he give a straight answer? There should have been a simple reason as to why he called Sharon to meet for drinks, but it seemed like he had nothing.

I sat contemplating my thoughts like this over and over again for the past two days in my apartment. Luckily, I had enough snacks stashed away to hold me over while I recouperated. Besides, it’s not like I was eating regularly ever since the snap. The wave of depression hit hard, and when I was at my lowest lows I barely ate anything.

As I munched on some cereal (it was 2:00PM, mind you) I heard a knock on the door. I heard a knock on the door once this morning that I had ignored and three times yesterday. They all went unanswered. This time though, I saw an envelope slide under the door with “Nat” written in big bold letters.

I could feel my heart pick up and after staring at it for a few minutes, I finally got myself to go over to it and pick it up.

I could practically hear my heart beating through my chest as I opened the letter and saw the pages of scrawled words. I found my favorite spot on the small couch in my apartment and began reading:

Nat,

For starters, I wish I could have told you this in person, but it’s clear you don’t want to listen, and I get that. I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about you constantly over the past two days, and I miss you. It feels like forever since the last time we talked in person, and it doesn’t feel right.

I wish I gave you a better answer to your question, and I think I have one now. Sharon had called me a few weeks ago asking to grab drinks, and I figured that it was out of goodwill. When I met with her though, she poured her heart out to me. She said she was lonely and sad and needed me to be there for her. Trust me, I wanted to be there for her, but only as a friend. There was a point when I loved her aunt, but I could never love her in the same way.

Even still, meeting up with her put everything into perspective for me. I realized that not only did I never love Sharon, but the love I had for her aunt wasn’t as deep as I had once thought. Peggy was a great person and deserving a great love - but I wasn’t it. Sharon certainly isn’t that person for me either.

When you caught me talking to Sharon on the phone, I was returning her call from earlier in the day. I was going to meet up with her to check in on her and see if she was okay and ultimately tell her that I couldn’t see her anymore and that I didn’t want her to think there was anything romantic between us.

Like I said at dinner, I have been thinking a lot about us lately, and I want you to know that I don’t have feelings for Sharon anymore. Nat, you’re the most important person to me, and I’m sorry I haven’t said it sooner.

Sincerely,  
Stevie

P.S. I think I owe you more than one.

—————

I read through Steve’s letter over and over and over again, a sad smile sitting on my face. How is it that even when Steve seems like he’s in the wrong he’s not? He’s really too good for me. 

I’ve been such an idiot this entire time; I knew I had to make it right.

I tossed the letter aside and I shuffled toward my front door, fully-prepared to sprint to Steve’s. Before I could do so though, I was stopped by his large body getting up from the ground faced opposite of my front door. He waited.

He looked worn out and stressed - like he hadn’t slept for the past two days. He was nervous and continued to look down at the ground, and then back at me, and then back at the ground. I could hear him gulp after taking a large inhale.

“Steve-,” I said, before I was cut off by him.

“Wait,” He said, grabbing my hands in his, causing my brows to furrow, “Let me go first. Nat, I’m so, so sorry. I feel like I ruined everything with us because I don’t know how to let someone go. But I promise you, she’s only a friend, if I can even call her that anymore. When I first would meet up with Sharon, I thought that maybe there could be something between us again, if I really pushed myself. I quickly learned that that would be impossible, and then there was you...” He trailed on, looking nervous again. I so desperately wanted him to just say what we both were thinking already.

My heart was pounding, and I knew where this was going. I didn’t have the strength to say anything on my own though, for there was the tiniest fear that maybe he didn’t feel the same way that I did - that maybe all of this was fabricated and overdone in my head.

“Yeah,” I said in a low, sultry voice.

“Nat, ever since that kiss in the bar I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Hell, since we met I hadn’t stopped thinking about you,” I felt my cheeks go pink and I tried to hide my smile, “I know I told you that I wanted you to be my friend, but let’s be honest, I was young an naive at the time. I wasn’t yet aware of the force that is Natasha Romanoff,” We both laughed and I pulled him into a hug.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so shady these past couple days, I just didn’t know how to process everything and the more I thought about it all, the more possible it was in my head that I was going to lose you,” I mumbled, giving him another squeeze before releasing from our hug. He still held onto my hands.

He let out a big exhale and smiled again, “Nat,” Steve started, but I could tell he was still searching for the words. I waited for him to speak so that I wouldn’t have to, but I knew that it would be a while before he said anything.

Instead, I gently grabbed his cheek and caught his eyes, “Steve, are you going to make me say it first?” He smiled from ear to ear - his pristine teeth stark against his soft pink lips.

He grabbed onto my head after brushing my hair out of the way and pressed his lips onto mine. We stayed like that for a few seconds before pulling away and smiling. His nervousness faded and instead was replaced by a joy only matched by me.

“I’ll take that in replacement for words,” I said, leaning in again to kiss him.

God, it felt like I was trapped in that moment in the hallway for an eternity, and I couldn’t ask for anything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! I’m back and have more writing coming soon - let me know what you think about this chapter and what you’re looking forward to next! I have the next few chapters planned out, and I’m hoping that they will be dropping on a more regular schedule.
> 
> Other than that - let me know what you want to see! I have a smutty chapter lined up in the near future - so BE PREPARED :P 
> 
> If you want to connect with me, send me a message on tumblr! Otherwise, please leave some comments below to let me know what you think about this chapter and what you expect in the future!
> 
> Love you all :)


	10. Chapter 10

After what can only be called “The Kiss” ended, I was happy, but I was most certainly confused too. It’s not like I couldn’t pick up on the nice things that Steve was doing for me, but he’s so nice of a person sometimes it’s hard to tell if Steve has feelings for me or if he’s just being a good friend.

The Kiss was a pretty good indication as to the whole feelings thing.

“Nat,” Steve began talking and I lead him into my apartment and onto the couch, “Look, I don’t really know where to start...” His brows furrowed and he looked at his feet, twidling his thumbs back and forth. 

“Okay, well let’s start with a question that I have then,” I said, picking my feet off the ground and folding them onto the seat of the couch.

Steve looked up from the ground and I could tell he was nervous so I grabbed his hands in mine. He smiled.

“Do you remember years ago when we were first getting to know each other better? We were on the hunt for Bucky and you stole that truck?” I questioned.

“Okay, yes, and I’d like to point out that we were only borrowing the truck,” He said matter-of-factly. I rolled my eyes.

“Fine, borrowed. Regardless, after we kissed in the mall,” I saw his face flush, “I asked you if that was your first kiss since you went under the ice.”

“Are you trying to embarrass me? I mean it’s not like that kiss doesn’t haunt me already Nat,” He said, letting go of my hands and rubbing his temples.

“Okay, again, the kiss is besides the point and just for your information, it wasn’t a bad kiss. I was only trying to tease you back then. But ANYWAYS, what I was trying to get at was that conversation we had in the truck. I asked you what you wanted me to be for you, and you told me that you wanted-“

“A friend.” He said quietly, picking his head up again and looking at me, “It was honestly the biggest mistake of my life.”

I could feel my heart racing, “Elaborate,” I said, wrapping my knees into my chest and placing my chin on my knees.

He let out a sigh, “I was an idiot. It was never that I only wanted you to be a friend. It was that I wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone. At that point I still felt like a man out of time. I didn’t want to place solid roots down anywhere because I was scared that something would displace me again. I didn’t want to break my own heart, and I certainly didn’t want to break yours.”

“Steve, how could you think that? At this point, we’ve been through so much together you’re the only person on Earth who really knows me. You’re my family.” I could feel an anger and a sadness wash over me and I felt a lump growing in my throat. Steve was the one constant in my life after all of the turmoil that had taken place even before I had met him. When everyone else left or tried moving on after the snap, Steve and I became closer than we ever were.

“I’m an idiot. Nat, you gotta understand, I didn’t want to lose the best thing in my life,” He said, quickly realizing the gravity of his words. He stopped, looking at the ground again.

“Hey,” I said, my anger subsiding and my emotions in flux, “Steve, you mean everything to me. You’re the best part of my life,” I said in reply. It was true, so I felt that I could say it.

Before I could say anything else, Steve scooched closer to me and wrapped me in his large arms. We held each other like that for a beautiful moment before letting go of each other, only this time he didn’t sit far away from me. My legs were spread across his lap and his arms sprawled across them. 

“Natasha, I wish I had kissed you like that sooner. You’re the reason I’ve been able to get by this long. And before you ask, I want to explain everything with Sharon,” I felt my legs tense up over his lap, and he rubbed them gently, trying to soothe me, “Like I said, I didn’t know how to let go of the past. I knew I had feelings for you so soon on in our friendship, but I didn’t want to lose someone else that I cared about. Peggy was my first love, and I’ll always cherish her for caring about me, but that’s in the past now. I don’t fantastize about going back in time anymore, and that’s because of you. I know that it’s cheesy to say and you’ll definitely hate it, but everything happens for a reason, and I was supposed to end up here.”

He looked at me to say something, but I waited. I wanted to hear where this was going.

“Okay, so then I met Sharon, and at that time I just figured that you didn’t care for me in the same way that I did for you. I mean, you kept trying to suggest women for me to date in the office or you would point out women to me. I just thought that you were trying to tell me something,” He said, pausing. He wanted an answer for this one.

“I just wanted you to be happy, and I admit, at that point in my life I never pictured myself in a relationship with anyone. I just thought someone could give you what I never could,” I replied honestly.

“We’re gonna have to circle back around to the whole ‘relationship’ thing you just mentioned,” He said with a smirk, “But let me get back to Sharon.” His face got more serious again.  
“Sharon was my link to the past, as fucked up as that sounds,” He said, shaking his head, “I wasn’t ready to let go, and I saw so much of Peggy in her. I was confused and lost. I wish I never went out with her in the first place.”

I felt a sense of relief for the first time in years of my friendship with Steve. I know it’s fucked up to feel relieved over Steve’s regret over dating Sharon, but it did give me some peace of mind.

“I never should have talked to her again, especially considering how hard things have been lately,” Steve said, rubbing the back of his head.

“What do you mean?” I asked, placing a hand on Steve’s bicep.

“Well, it’s always been hard to suppress my feelings for you, Nat. Lately though, it’s felt impossible. God, that night under the stars,” I felt my heart flutter and a smile spread on my face, “I thought I was going to pour my heart out to you then. Well, there’ve been plenty of times actually.”

“Really?” I asked, almost in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? Waking up in bed with you is like a dream I never could have wished would come true! Nat, I couldn’t even begin to describe how beautiful your hair lays on the pillow around you or how flawless your face looks. God, I could talk about it for hours,” He said. I grabbed his neck and quickly pressed my lips against his. I could feel that he was initially surprised, but leaned into the kiss quickly.

I couldn’t help it, he was just so beautful. I was waiting for this moment for years, and it was finally here. My heart was pounding in my chest and I pulled away to smile. I opened my eyes to see Steve grinning from ear to ear.

“So you mentioned a relationship earlier,” He said, pecking my cheek.

“I mean, it already kind of feels like we’re a married couple at this point,” I said with a giggle. We cook for each other, watch movies together, hell we even (occasionally) sleep in the same bed together.

“Well,” Steve said with a mischievous smile.

“Well, what?” I questioned, noticing Steve’s thumbs tracing circles on my legs across his lap.

“Well, without the sex of course,” He said, awaiting my response, his hands bracing for impact.

Instead of hitting him, I grabbed his hands in mine and I watched as he slowly opened his eyes, confused.

“It’s not like you’re wrong,” I said, quickly scooting over top of him so that my legs were on either side of his and I was straddling him. His face grew pink and he looked nervous.

I felt his hands move to my waist and I kissed him again, this time only harder. I felt his hair in my hands as I ran through it over and over again. 

We made out like this for a bit before I could feel his large erection against my crotch. I pulled away from him and slid off the couch.

I turned back around to see his face, stunned, and I let out a small giggle.

“Wait, where are you going,” He said, leaning his head against the couch.

“Just grabbing a light snack in the kitchen, you’re welcome to join me for a movie in a bit if you want.” I gave him a wink and I heard him let out a heavy sigh.

I walked away from him, swinging my hips a little more than normal. I hated to say it, but I did love being a tease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I’m back and I should be posting (actually) on a more regular basis. Look for new chapters every 1-2 weeks, and possibly a bit more over the holidays, as I have a bit more free time than normal! Let me know what you think and want to see (constructive criticism is helpful too!) as it will help me shape some of the upcoming chapters that I am unsure about. Thanks for reading!!


	11. Chapter 11

December had quickly made its way to Steve and I over the following weeks after The Kiss. We had gotten into the routine of working, cooking dinner, and watching something on TV before going to bed either in my room or Steve’s. Nothing too crazy was happening, especially considering Steve and I hadn’t really had a talk about sex yet. Waking up next to him was enough for me though.

Steve and I were planning a big surprise for all of the kids at the orphanage. Courtesy of Tony and Pepper, we were dropping off toys, candy and a Christmas tree for the kiddos. The bright Saturday sunlight shone through the windows of my apartment and I knew it was going to be hard to get up.

I burrowed myself deeper into Steve’s body and I heard him chuckle, “Nat,” He said in his low, morning voice, “You know we have to get up eventually right?” 

I think it killed Steve to sleep in. He was definitely an early-to-bed, early-to-rise type of person.

“I know, but just five more minutes,” I pleaded wrapping his right arm into my hands and against my chest.

“You know we can’t,” Steve said, scooting away from me with a chuckle.

My eyes shot open as Steve scooped me out of bed and carried me over to the bathroom. I felt the warmth of his bare chest against my shoulder and the rising and falling of his body as he laughed at me.

“Steve!” I said as he dropped me onto my feet. I felt like a fish out of water.

“We need to start getting ready! I’ll get going on breakfast,” He said, placing a quick kiss on my forehead before turning back towards the kitchen.

—————————

“Ms. Romy!” Sarah practically jumped on my back with excitement.

“Sarah! How have you been sweetie?” I replied with a giggle. Even though I had visited her last weekend, her excitement never got old.

“Good, I missed you and Mr. Steve,” She replied, looking over to Steve and reaching out to him for a hug. Steve grabbed her from me and held her against his side, pretending to drop her over and over again to get her to laugh. It always worked.

“I missed you, Ms. Sarah,” Steve said, throwing her over his shoulder and back around to his other side.

“Are you going to play with us today?” She asked, looking towards me with her big green eyes.

“Of course,” I said in return, “And we’re going to give you a little surprise too.”

“What kind of surprise?” Sarah asked.

“Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise if we told you, now would it?” Steve said in reply, frustrating Sarah as he laughed.

“Fine.” She said a little more grumpy than normal.

“Don’t worry, we’ll show you soon,” I said, giving her a small kiss on the cheek.

I couldn’t help but think about how far I had come. I would have never thought I would be here, in this moment even just a few years ago. I mean, hell, I was hugging and kissing a little mini-me with Steve at my side. Despite the hell that has been these past months since the snap, I was finding glimpses of comfort here and there.

We took the kids to the large living room that Tony and Pepper had helped make happen a few years ago. There was enough room for every kid to play comfortably and considering Tony had also purchased a gym for the kiddos, it was kind of him to continue to donate such large amounts of money to these kids.

We had 4 truckloads of presents for the kids to pick from (again, courtesy of Pepper and Tony). I had found out last week that Tony and Pepper were donating toys to multple orphanages across the city. Even though I wasn’t on great terms with Tony yet, I called him yesterday to thank him for everything he’s done for the kids.

Steve and I began toting the presents in the living room armful by armful (Steve’s being much larger armfuls than mine) and we watched as the kids’ faces grew more and more excited. Once all of the gifts were brought inside, we gave them out to each of the kids and watched as they opened them. Originally we tried to get them to open them up one by one, but Steve and I realized that was hopeless as the kids shredded off wrapping paper with no regard for time.

“Ms. Romy,” Sarah asked, climbing into my lap, “Look!” She showed me her new puzzle, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Tony splurged on these gifts. There were tablets and game systems galore along with tons of other gifts. Sarah got all of this, and while she was excited about those, I couldn’t believe how excited she was over a puzzle.

“Are you gonna do that today?” I asked her, adjusting her placement on my lap. Steve was sitting next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder with a huge grin across his face.

“No, I’m gonna do it when you and Mr. Steve come to visit me! I’ll wait to do it every time until you come.”

I felt like crying. I didn’t know I could love a kid as much as I loved this sweet little goofball. I kept myself from crying and I looked over to Steve to see his own eyes welling up with tears.

“Well I guess I’ll have to come to see you a little more than normal so we can get it done, huh?” I said, choked up.

“You’ll come more!?” Sarah’s face lit up and I nodded. She wrapped her little arms around me and jumped up and down on my lap.

“Of course,” I said, squeezing her in for a longer hug. I felt Steve’s hand rubbing my shoulder and I leaned into his side.

————————

“You know, all say I’ve been watching you with the kids, and it’s just so amazing,” Steve said next to me. We were parousing through channels on the TV and shoving popcorn down our throats.

“Well that’s nice of you to say,” I said with a smile.

“So, Nat,” Steve said again, looking nervous, “I wanted to see if you would want to go out on a nice date. Like a real one.”

“Hmm,” I teased. He still looked a bit nervous and I couldn’t help but take a long pause. He was so cute when he was nervous.

“Well?” He said, looking a little irritated.

“Of course, Stevie. I would love to go out with you.”

———————

No matter how good things have been, I knew I couldn’t fully escape my past. It was hard. I found myself wanting to walk into Wanda’s room or sitting and waiting at my desk, hoping that the phone would ring with someone asking for my help on the other line.

I was doing the latter, sitting at my desk with my head in my hands. I found myself stuck to my desk lately, hoping that the phone would ring for hours before falling asleep and waking up at 2 or 3 AM, slung over my desk with a pen in my hand.

Steve had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch and I snuck off to do some work. I was already a week ahead of where I wanted to be on my work, but I found myself on edge at night if I wasn’t hanging out with Steve. It was easier to fall asleep with Steve in my bed next to me, but even that wasn’t always fool-proof. 

It was just past midnight, and I found myself dozing off at my desk again before hearing a loud tap on the desk in front of me. My eyes shot open and I saw Steve in his pajamas standing in front of me. Really his pajamas were just some sweatpants with the top of his briefs sticking out.

“Hello,” I said through a yawn, stretching out my arms and scratching my head.

“Well hello,” He said with a small chuckle and a yawn of his own.

“What brings you to my office?” I said with a tired wink.

“Nat,” He said with a sigh, “I know what your work means to you, but you have to get some sleep in an acctual bed. I’ve been carrying you to bed from your office chair too often lately.”

I could tell that he would have been more upset if he wasn’t so tired.

I knew he was right but I couldn’t give this up, “Okay,” I said half-heartedly. I knew I wouldn’t change - at least not any time soon. I wasn’t ready, and I needed to be there whenever people needed me to be.

We looked at each other for a little while before I gave Steve a sad, tired smile, “Carry me to bed?”

“For you?” He said with a wink, “Anything.” 

———————

It was Sunday in the late afternoon and the sun was lowering. I had just finished my hair and makeup and I was scurrying to slip into a tight black dress. A bit cliche, I know, but it was simple and easy.

I slipped on some red heels and silver earrings, grabbed my bag and ran out the door. Steve had texted me ten minutes ago telling me that he was waiting in the kitchen for me and reminded me that we were going to be late if I didn’t meet him there soon.

The clicking of my heels grew louder as I jogged to the kitchen, frquently checking my watch. Just before I got close enough for Steve to hear, I slowed my pace and fixed my hair.

Turning the corner into the kitchen, I saw Steve’s face light up. He looked a little stunned in all honesty.

“My God,” he muttered to himself, taking me by the hand and wrapping me up in a hug.

He was wearing a button down with a tie and nice dress shoes. I hadn’t seen Steve this dressed up in a long, long time. The way his shirt clung to his shoulders and chest made me stop in my tracks momentarily.

“You, Miss Natasha, look so, incredibly beautiful,” He said, pulling out of our hug and leaning in for a kiss.

“I don’t wanna ruin the lipstick,” I said, making him kiss me on the cheek, “Yet.”

He smiled and I could see the thrill in his eyes.

He cleared his throat again and grabbed my hand, leading me to his car in the garage. The butterflies I felt with him were so foreign to me. It was like I was living the life I should have been living ten years ago, only it was better than anything I could have dreamed.

Steve and I talked and joked the whole way to the restaurant he had picked and I couldn’t help but think about everything that brought me to this moment. I found myself doing that a lot lately. It’s not as though I was over the past - I knew that I would never be. I was definitely learning to cope with the past more and understand the importance of asking for help when I needed it.

It’s so strange to think about the ways in which Steve and I found each other. On paper it doesn’t make any sense that our relationship is something so real. When we’re together though, it’s broad as daylight.

“Well, Ms. Romanoff, here we are,” Steve said, giving his car over to the valet. We were at one of the finer restaurants in the city and I never would have thought Steve would look so normal here. He is definitely a man of simplicity - he loves a good diner or family restaurant. But this? He was such a gentleman I’m not sure how I didn’t see him fitting in here before.

“Steve, this is too nice,” I said, taking his hand as I slid out of the passenger’s seat.

“Nothing’s too nice for you, Nat,” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at his cheesy line, and he laughed in return.

We sat at a small, intimate table in the corner of the restaurant and a large, lit candlestick sat between the two of us. There were beautiful, extravagent paintings lining the walls and dim lighting from above. The whole place smelled expensive. We laughed and talked over a bottle of white wine for around an hour, slipping in bites of food before deciding to share a dessert together. 

“How does chocolate cake sound,” I asked, peering over the menu at Steve.

“Delicious; God, I knew there was a reason I loved you,” Steve said. His eyes grew wide and his face flushed. I felt my hands go sweaty and I put the menu on the table.

“What did you just say?” I asked in disbelief.

“I said the chocolate cake sounds delicious,” He said quietly.

“You’re a horrible liar Steve,” I returned and his body went stiff, “You said you loved me.”

Admitting defeat, he looked up from the table at me, “I didn’t want to tell you like that,” He was talking so quietly.

“Steve,” I said, grabbing his hands in mine and looking at him with a smile. My heart was pounding harder than it feels like it ever has before, “How did you want to tell me then?”

“I don’t know, but not like this,” He said, still looking nervous.

“Well, I think it’s sweet,” I said, smiling at him. He still looked on edge.

He stayed like this throughout dessert, while paying the bill, and even as we began driving home. I grew increasingly worried the longer and longer that he stayed this way. Knowing that I couldn’t sit like this any longer, I decided to clear whatever it was that was sitting in the air.

“Steve,” I said, his own nervousness spreading to myself, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

I could see how tense he was as he gripped the steering wheel tighter. He looked almost like he was going to cry.

“You didn’t say anything.” He said, looking defeated.

“What?” I said, even more puzzled than before.

“After I said, you know, that I love you in the restaurant,” he grew increasingly more quiet as he navigated the roads, “You didn’t say it, you know, like you didn’t say it back.”

“Steve,” I said, staring at him as he stared at the road, his fingers clasping onto the wheel so hard that his knuckles grew white, “I think it’s just hard.”

I knew why I didn’t say it back, but I didn’t think it would create such strong emotions in Steve. Clearly, I was an idiot when it comes to this sort of thing. I choose to blame it on my severe lack of experience.

“Why is it hard?” He said, looking confused and angry. He pulled over on the side of the back road that we were crusing down, “Don’t you love me?”

“Of course I do, Steve,” He let out a huge sigh, “But if I say it, it just makes things harder.”

“Wouldn’t it make things easier?” He retorted. Clearly he was not having this conversation.

“Look,” I said, turning my body towards him, “I’ve never done this before. This is... hard, for me.”

“This is hard for me, too, Nat.”

I really wished I had been more considerate of Steve’s emotions.

“Fine,” I said, taking in a deep breath, “Steve, I,” I closed my eyes, “I love you, too.”

I kept them close and I felt him get closer to me, feeling the gentle touch of his soft lips against mine.

“I love you, Natasha,” He whispered, leaning in again for another kiss.

I wish I could better describe how I was feeling. As Steve drove us the rest of the way home, I couldn’t help but smile. I had known how I felt about Steve for years now, but saying it out loud was something completely different. Saying it out loud made it real, and it made things scary. I was naive enough to think that if I ever told someone that I loved them, I would weigh down our relationship. Saying it to Steve, though, was the complete opposite. I was walking on air and floating above ground.

I never dreamed that I could feel this way about anyone. I felt such a deep love for Steve. Even though we had only been officially dating for a few weeks now, I had been familiar with this feeling for so long.

“Hold on,” Steve said as I began heading towards my room, “Stay with me for a minute.”

Confused, I turned back toward him and he reached for my hand. Grabbing onto him, I followed him as he practically skipped towards his room.

“Steve,” I said with a laugh, “You’re going to fast!”

He quickly scooped me off my feet and into his arms, just as he had yesterday morning, and rushed towards his room. He set me down just outside the door and opened it up, revealing about a dozen candles and a recor player.

“So you know how I said I wasn’t planning on telling you I loved you in the restaurant,” He said, lighting the candles with a matchbook and putting on a record, “I was actually planning on telling you here.”

“Well I see you don’t want to let anything go to waste now, do you?” I said taking his hands into mine as he lead me in a slow dance.

The music was one of his old soft jazz records from the 40’s.

“Well, I figured, you know, since it was all so beautifully set up,” He said, making me giggle.

We swayed in each others’ arms like that for a few songs, occasionally giving each other a peck on the lips before I laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him. I felt like I could stay there forever.

“Nat, I love you so much, I wish I told you way sooner than tonight,” He said, placing a kiss on my forehead when I looked up at him, smiling.

“Me too,” I replied, leaning in again for a kiss, holding onto this one longer than the last.

We stayed swaying like that for who knows how long, holding onto each other and placing feathery kisses on one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter that’s a bit more exciting and definitely longer than the last few - let me know what you’re thinking and I can’t thank you all enough for your support this far!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Defintely a NSFW chapter - enjoy!

After our dancing ended and the record stopped playing, Steve lead me over to the couch in his apartment. He fell into it, dragging me behind him and flinging me on top of him.

Making sure I didn’t fall off, he wrapped me up in his arms so that I was even more locked in.

“This must be what it feels like,” Steve said to himself, the phrase begging to be questioned.

“What?” I asked, looking into his bright blue eyes. They were softer than normal and more enticing than ever to look at.

“Heaven,” He said, causing me to make a fake barfing noise.

“That’s so corny Stevie, I don’t know if I can handle it,” I said slipping free from his grasp as I slid away from him on the couch. Mimicking my movements, he sat up as well and laid an arm around my shoulder. I fell into his side, feeling the comfort of his grasp.

“What can I say? This is what you have to expect if you date me,” He said, pulling me in a little closer.

I looked up to him and caught him smiling with his eyes shut for a moment. He opened them up and caught me looking at him, asking, “What?”

“Well, without getting too sappy, you’re looking very handsome tonight,” I said, feeling a blush over my face.

“Me? Nat, I can’t even begin to tell you about how amazing you look! I mean, your hair and that dress...” He said, tilting his head back and resting it on the couch.

I felt a nervousness wash over me, wanting him to continue talking but I knew he wouldn’t unless prompted. He was too courteous to vocalize what he was really thinking. Or at least what I was hoping he was thinking.

“You know,” I said in a quieter voice, leaning into his ear, “I did pick out this dress especially for you.”

I could see his face get redder the longer I spoke.

“Yeah?” He muttered, placing his hand that wasn’t seated on my shoulder on my thigh.

“Yeah,” I teased, “I thought it might elicit a stronger response out of you...”

He took my words as a sign and leaned in for what I thought would be a light kiss. What started as a light kiss quickly turned into something more intense as I felt our tongues slipping occasionally in and out of each others’ mouths. I slid my body over his, straddling him as I placed light kisses across his neck. He took a sharp inhale when I got behind his ear and I could feel a bulge growing beneath me.

“How do you feel about heading towards your bed for the night?” I asked and almost immediately after I finished speaking he scooped me up and rushed towards the bed, dropping me down beneath him as he returned the favor, placing kisses along my neck as one hand trailed beneath the edge of my dress.

I let out a giggle as he continued placing kisses along my neck, “I guess I’ll take that as a yes.”

I instinctively moved towards the buttons of his shirt, “A little warm in here, don’t you think?”

“Hot,” He said taking in a deep inhale, sending me into a frenzy. He continuously feathered kisses along my neck in the meantime. There was something about our sexual encounters that I was still navigating. It seemed like there wasn’t anything that special that we had to do - everything was so sexually charged for each of us.

Steve threw his shirt to the corner of the room and snuck his hands at the zipper of my dress on my upper back, meeting my eyes. I gave him a nod and a slight smile as he began unzipping my dress. With Steve’s help, I slipped out of my dress and saw Steve’s face light up. He threw the slinky dress off the bed and into the same corner his shirt was resting. He scanned over my body and grabbed at my hip more forcibly than before. He kissed my lips again, only this time with more urgency.

“You look so damn good,” He said between kisses.

“How good?” I teased as I whispered in his ear.

“Something tells me you already know,” His voice was low, quiet, and inviting. With one hand resting on the back of my head, under my hair and behind my ear, Steve’s other hand began trailing up my body from my hip until it was resting on my breast, leaving me to let out a soft moan.

He gripped around my breast until I knew he couldn’t take it any more. Moving both hands to the clasp of my bra, within seconds the lacy material was again cast into the corner of the room with all of the other clothing.

“My God,” He said, causing me to let out a giggle. Steve looked over my body again, letting out a smile of his own before going back to kissing me again.

This time, he trailed kisses down my neck and to my exposed breasts, spending a little extra time around the nipples. I felt like I couldn’t control my breathing and I took sharp inhales and deep exhales unevenly as he kissed over my body.

I was always worried that my scars would disgust whatever man or woman I slept with. With Steve though, it didn’t seem to matter. While his super soldier body healed, mine didn’t. His scars were light and small, even though I was there when he received some of them; they certainly would have been deeper and more gnarly than mine.

“Wait,” I said, looking over Steve’s broad build, “Why am I the only one without pants on?”

He let out a light laugh and I moved my hands towards his belt, undoing it slowly and watching Steve’s face grow more and more frustrated with my speed.

“Nat,” He said, half-frustrated, half-laughing, “Too slow.” He brushed my hands away from his waist and undid his belt. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, adding them to the evergrowing pile of clothing in the corner and I nearly gasped at his physique. He was wearing black briefs that fit snugly on his thighs and waist and the size of his erection almost caught me off guard.

It’s bizarre to think that it catches me off guard nearly every time. I mean, while this wasn’t the first time we had been naked around each other (the past few weeks had been a lot of restless nights) I had a feeling this was the night that we were actually going to have sex. I knew Steve was a little more old fashioned than myself, and considering he had told me his feelings tonight, I had a bit more butterflies than normal.

He ran his hands up and down my bare skin, almost as if he was trying to capture as much of me as possible. At least, that was all I could assume considering I couldn’t help but do the same thing.

I ran my hands to his erection, gripping the base of him and he inhaled sharply. Sliding my hand under his briefs, he let out a loud moan into my neck where he was previously placing kisses. He was playing with the last remnants of clothing I had on: my lacy underwear.

“Hold on,” He whispered, sliding my hand from out of his briefs, “I think you should get to go first.” I felt a blush wash over my face and a throbbing building harder between my legs as he trailed kisses down from the nape of my neck, between my breasts, and down to my hips.

I let out a small whimpery moan when he made his way down to the slinky sides of my thong. He pulled them off with ease and kissed down the line where my leg met my vagina and again I gasped.

He looked up from between my legs with a smirk that sent me into a frenzy and I couldn’t take the torture anymore, “Please,” I practically begged him for it before I felt his tongue slide into my and around my clit.

My hips arched forward and goosebumps crept all across my body, the throbbing in my lower region spreading across my entire body.

I didn’t know what to touch or look at anymore. His biceps were flexed around my legs as he continued tasting me and his broad shoulders were more apparent than ever. I let out small moans until he pulled away, licking his lips and looking at me with another smirk.

“I take it that you’re enjoying?” He said more like a statement than a question and I couldn’t bring myself to think of a witty response. I wanted him inside me - and not just his lovely tongue.

Without answering, I motioned for him to slide back up towards me. I placed kisses all over his neck and practically ripped his underwear off, exposing his massive penis.

Grabbing it in my hands, I stroked it a few times, wanting to give him as much pleasure that I could before he found his way inside of me. He let out moans that sent me into a frenzy I didn’t want to ignore anymore.

“I want you inside me,” I said and I saw his eyes grow wide in anticipation.

“Nat, are you sure?” He asked again, his face a mixture of emotions.

“I love you Steve, and this feels right,” I said in return, causing him to smile as he readjusted his placement on the bed.

I was below him again, legs spread wide as he towered over me. He was so much larger than me it felt like I was truly getting a stretch in with how wide my legs were spread.

“God, I’m so lucky to have you babe, I love you more than I could ever explain,” He said, his grin somehow wider than before. I couldn’t help but smile just as big back, letting out a light giggle in anticipation.

God, I didn’t know if I could have ever anticipated him though.

He slid himself inside of me and I felt an intense pressure that could only be matched by the intense pleasure he gave me. One of Steve’s hands massaged my breast as his lips connected with mine. I tasted myself in his mouth and swirled my tongue around. I felt like I was grasping at any amount of Steve that I could get, kissing him faster and faster between my labored breathing.

He groaned as he pushed in and out of me, faster and faster with ever second and I could feel myself edging.

“Wait,” I said, sliding him out of me as I signaled him to get on his back, “I want to ride you.”

The look on his face was truly priceless. Moving on top of him to straddle him, I saw his eyes gazing over my body. He ran his hands up and down my sides, leaving them to rest on my ass.

Anticipating his size within me again, I breathed in as I sat down on top of him. I let out a gasp and began rocking my hips back and forth, each second with more and more ferocity.

I felt the tip of his penis hitting against my walls, and I couldn’t stop myself from getting closer to the edge.

“Wait,” Steve said between breaths as I felt him beginning to roll his hips and pump himself into me in sync with my own movements, “Nat I’m not wearing a condom.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said in response, knowing that I couldn’t stop and didn’t need a condom anyways.

He nodded, pushing himself somehow more deeply into myself than before and my breathing became so heavy you would have thought I had just ran a marathon.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” I said, again sending Steve into a frenzy as he squeezed my ass, his own breathing labored as well.

The throbbing was so intense I knew that it would be any second, and right then, Steve looked at me and said, “Fuck, I’m close.”

Just then, I let go and orgasmed, practically screaming Steve’s name over and over as I involuntarily rocked back and forth on him.

“Fuck, fuck,” he whispered, laying his head back into the pillow as he slammed himself harder and harder into me, catching the beginning of his orgasm with the end of my own, drawing mine out.

He pumped in and out of me a few more times before his hips laid back down on the bed and I collapsed into his chest, his penis still throbbing inside of my dripping vagina. He wrapped his arms around me, placing a huge kiss on my forehead.

“Natasha, I love you. I love you so much,” He said, wrapping me up tighter.

I slid him out of me, rolling my body over next to him. I was still wrapped up in his arms, and the wetness between my legs was obvious.

I met his eyes with mine and smiled, “I’m so in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Let me know below what you hope to see next!


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